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TF.N Exclusive

Top Five List

Everything I Know About Seducing Women
I Learned from Star Wars

by Chris White of TopFive.com

Another hot night at the cantina on Mos Eisley. The band plays a rockin' little number as the bartender pours your neon-blue drink into an almost-clean glass. "Keep the change," you say, turning away before he can give his standard grunt of disapproval.

Same old crowd tonight. Same bunch of misfit intergalactic truckers and space bandits as? Wait just a light-year! Who is that hot little number in the chrome spandex? She's new here. You've never seen her before, and furthermore, you could swear one of those eye-stalks is looking in your direction. But before you can make your move, Lando Calrissian slinks in and offers to buy her a Bespin malt liquor. Any normal guy wouldn't stand a chance against a player like Lando - but you're no normal guy. You're a Jedi knight.

You approach. "He's not the studly guy you're looking for," you say. "I am."

Her two big blue eyes size you up, while her two big green eyes look at Lando. "You're not the studly guy I'm looking for," she tells him. "He is."

Lando grabs you by your collar. "Why, you little?" Your well-honed Jedi reactions kick in, and you quickly blurt out, "You're missing SpongeBob SquarePants. You have to go." Lando sets you down and turns solemnly to the alien. "I'm missing SpongeBob SquarePants. I have to go," he says, and quickly disappears.

You turn to face your prize. You offer your arm, and she takes it with her tentacle as she slithers off the bar stool, her gills quivering with excitement as the two of you head outside to your land speeder.

If only life were that easy.

If only you got the girl, rather than watch her run off with the Porsche-driving quarterback every freakin' time. If only women prized the ability to do a dead-on perfect Yoda impression. If only?

Well, I'm here to tell you that there's hope, science-fiction fan! Absolutely everything you need to know to easily seduce women is right there on the screen, in Episodes IV, V, VI, I and II! Okay, not so much Episode VI, but certainly in the others. Don't believe me? Doubtful are you? Mmmm? Trust me, you must -- or fall prey to the Dork Side will you!

The following are a handful of tips and techniques I have personally culled from the Star Wars films and assembled into a methodology I teach as a course called "Lucasizing Women: Using the Force to Get to First Rebel Base and Beyond."

The Luke Skywalker Approach: Women love guys who perform heroic deeds. Save the day by blowing up a death star - bonus points if you shut off your tracking computer. You'll end up a hero, and she'll love you for it. (Warning: Be extra careful not to seduce your sister.)

The Han Solo Approach: Be a bit of a rogue. Better yet, be self-centered and tell her she annoys you. This drives women absolutely nuts. They know better, but they can't turn away from you. Just remember to take it slow, you rascal -- don't make the jump to light speed too soon.

The C-3PO Approach: So you're not the rogue type. Not a problem. Take the opposite tactic and be a gentleman: "I'd be happy to give you a massage. I'm trained in over 300 forms of muscular relaxation techniques. Would you care for candles and hot herbal tea?"

The R2-D2 Approach: Women like handymen. Try offering to repair her toaster or set the clock on her VCR so that it finally stops blinking, "12:00." (Warning: Whatever you do, don't fall in love with her vacuum cleaner.)

The Ewok Approach: A bit on the short side? That's okay, as long as you make it work for you, not against you. Grow your body hair long and go for the cuddly teddy-bear look. You'll be nestled amongst her pillows in no time.

The Jabba the Hutt Approach: So you've let yourself go a tad. You're not as svelte as you were back in your high school chess club days. No need to panic - just bring her into your world of gastronomic delights. There's not a woman in any solar system who can resist a steady diet of pizza and Krispy Kreme donuts, my friend. Feed, and ye shall receive.

The Darth Vader Approach: A heavy-breather, dressed all in black? You'll have goth chicks on you like picnic ants on a honey sandwich.

The Young Anakin Approach: Challenge some ugly dude to a race, then kick his butt. Also, be sure to act cute - it doesn't even matter if you're a lousy actor! The problem with the Young Anakin Approach is that, because of your age, she might very well end up in jail if anyone catches her with you.

The Watto Approach: There's a certain appeal about a man who owns his own thriving business - even if it's a junkyard.

The Mace Windu Approach: Nothing gets under a woman's skin faster than a tall, cool, bald guy. It also helps if you previously had a starring role in a Quentin Tarantino film.

The Palpatine Approach: Women seem to love bad boys, especially those in positions of power -- and what could be badder than an evil politician?!

The Darth Maul Approach: Another bad boy, one who has cleverly cultivated the "horny little devil" look.

The Yoda Approach: You say your "mansion" is more like a trailer home in the middle of a swamp? Hey, women take to trailer-trash like stormtroopers take to getting shot. In fact, Kid Rock recently used the trailer-trash technique to land Pamela Anderson.

The Jar Jar Binks Approach: People like to pull for the underdog, right? All you need to do is just make sure that, like Jar Jar, nearly everyone on the planet Earth despises you. She'll feel sorry for you, and maybe yousa getsa a date, you Gungan homeboy.

Last, but not least, don't overlook this tried-and-true technique?

The Chewbacca Approach: Let your hair grow long and straggly, look nasty and scuzzy, and walk around grunting all the time. If you don't think this technique works like a charm, I have two words for you: Russell Crowe.



Copyright 2002 by Chris White. On the web at http://www.topfive.com.
All images and TopFive List used with permission.
Chris White is the creator, operator and chief bottle washer of the web site, TopFive.com.
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