|NEW MEDICAL DROIDS
all stormtroopers know, an accident can always happen. A wookie prisoner
can suddenly turn violent, a Dia Noga can grab you when you're working
in one of the garbage containers, you can stumble and fall during combat
when you're not paying attention for a second (see picture on the right).
Therefore, stormtroopers will be happy
to know that the Empire has just ordered a new type of medical droids.
These small, circular droids are actually modified interrogation droids.
The first ones have already been in operation for a few weeks now.
NEW MEDICAL DROID
BUMPED YOUR HEAD? THIS WILL CURE YOU!
Moff Tarkin is "very pleased" with the results. "These new medical droids
are fantastic. What usually happens is that Stormtroopers find all sorts
of excuses for not fighting or working. They bump their head on purpose,
they refuse to walk when they get shot in their leg, they start crying
as soon as a wookie breaks one of their arms. That's where our new medical
droids are very effective. With their great experience in the field of
torture and interrogation, they scare most of the Stormtroopers so much,
that they immediately go back to work again, without any trouble!" Expect
to see these new droids flying all over the place in the next couple of
ON STRIKE BECAUSE OF PHANTOM MENACE
went on strike recently because the Death Star management refused them
to see the newly restored Light-Side propaganda movie "The Phantom Menace".
This old movie, that plays about forty
years ago, tells the violent story of two annoying Jedi Knights going on
a mission to save the Galaxy from the so-called "threat" of the friendly
Neimoidians. It also shows me, Darth Vader, as a young boy called Anakin.
However, the movie contains nothing but lies. It tells people that I was
actually a very NICE boy when I was young. It also shows the failure of
the Neimoidians in their LEGITIMATE blockade of the planet Naboo, and portrays
them as nervous, easily scared, incompetent aliens. All lies, of course!
Unfortunately, this old movie was re-released
and has proven to be very popular all over the galaxy. That's why the Stormtroopers
also wanted to see it. However, our beloved Emperor Palpatine has banned
the movie from all imperial theaters. When interviewed by VNN, the Emperor
stated: "this movie is much to violent. It's also a shameless propaganda
movie for the Light Side of the Force - very dangerous for everyone of
us. And most of all, it glorifies the brutal murder by that criminal, Obi-Wan
Kenobi, of one of my finest collaborators, the friendly, well mannered,
good-humored Darth Maul. This movie is a threat to our Imperial Society!"
more "Palpatine Our Hero!"
However, the spokesman of the striking
Stormtroopers, who wants to remain anonymous, doesn't agree. "We want to
see this movie! We don't care if it's too violent. The movie TROOPS was
very violent too, and yet we were allowed to watch that one! Here on the
Death Star, we never get to see good movies. The Imperial Theater always
shows the same boring movies, like "Emperor Palpatine, Our New Hope", "Emperor
Palpatine, Our Hero, Strikes Back" and "Return of Emperor Palpatine, Our
Hero". It's time for something new!"
IN OTHER NEWS:
STORMTROOPERS FOUND DEAD
TK-1139, a Stormtrooper who was discovered
to be the anonymous spokesman of the Stormtroopers on strike, was found
dead in one of the corridors of Death Star Level 4b. He appears to be choked.
Imperial Investigators refuse to comment on the situation.
|DEATH STAR PERSONNEL
WATCHES "THE PHANTOM MENACE"
In an unexpected
move, the Death Star Management has allowed a special screening of "The
Phantom Menace" to resolve the ongoing strike.
In this special version of the movie, offensive
material has been removed, and the original ending of the movie has been
restored, thanks to advanced computer graphic work.
The ending of the movie now shows how
Darth Maul scares the two Jedi Knights (Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi)
so much that they run away!! The movie initially showed how Darth Maul
was murdered by Obi-Wan Kenobi, but according to Emperor Palpatine, that
never took place: "I can tell you in all honesty, that nobody
ever won from a Sith Lord. After the events in the Phantom Menace, Darth
Maul retreated on the country side and spent his days as a teacher on an
Darth Maul in
Darth Maul's wife, Darth Mama, now 65
years old, confirms this story: "My husband was always very friendly towards
kids. He never lost his temper, and he always helped me in the kitchen
to cut the potatoes with his double-ended lightsaber."
NEW ENDING OF THE PHANTOM MENACE, APPROVED BY EMPEROR PALPATINE