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New Sources Tell Of "Worthless" Panaka


Captain Panaka before his descent into obscurity (Naboo Security file photo)

For years, rumors were flying around about the fate of Captain (his actual first name) Panaka, the loyal bodyguard of former Queen of Naboo Padmé Amidala. Officially, and rather euphemistically as it turns out, the explanation for his disappearance was this: Ten years after the planet's liberation, the Naboo political structure had changed such that Panaka was no longer responsible for the protection of Amidala.

Today, a decade after Panaka's vanishing from sight, we uncover the spectacular truth about the former protector's story. According to new sources, Panaka's fate was sealed when he was unofficially voted the most worthless person in the Galaxy.

"He was utterly worthless," former queen Padmé Amidala confirms to us. "Whatever he said, whatever he did, was worthless. I hate to express myself in these harsh terms, but I can't find any other words for him. Utterly, utterly worthless."

Insiders claim Panaka had a reputation for saying and doing exactly the wrong things.

"There was an unspoken rule among us," an anonymous Naboo Security Trooper tells us, "that you had to do the exact opposite of what Panaka told you to do if you wanted to succeed. During a battle he would shout "Divide and move to the right!" and we would stay together and move to the left. It always worked."

Says Amidala: "Yes, that rule did exist. In the midst of the Trade Federation conflict, he told me to stay on Coruscant and not go to Naboo, so I did go to Naboo. He dissuaded me from going to Tatooine, so I went to Tatooine. We called it 'The Golden Rule of Panaka'."

Perhaps the most dramatic consequence of that rule came when Panaka advised Amidala against taking on the Trade Federation's droid army. His actual words -- "I don't think this is a battle that we can win" -- convinced her to mobilize her soldiers and fight the droid invaders.

"He actually pulled off something unique then," says another Security Trooper. "He managed to get captured by battle droids, who were known as the most ineffective warriors in the Galaxy, not counting Panaka. It was unbelievable. Thankfully, there were two Jedi to save us."

One of them was the then Jedi Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi. "I don't really remember him," an older and wiser Kenobi confirms exclusively to us. His revealing remarks come ten years after the two fought alongside each other during the Trade Federation conflict. Today, Kenobi, now a Jedi Knight, has just been assigned on a protection duty, which sees him meeting Admidala for the first time since the Naboo conflict.

"I remember him warning me against the Hutts on Tatooine," Amidala continues. "'The Hutts are gangsters,' he cried, 'if they discover her...'. He then got so annoying that we decided to leave him in the Royal Ship while we went into town."

Matters got worse after the trade route conflict. In an up until now secret Coruscant City poll, Captain Panaka was voted The Most Worthless Person In The Galaxy, beating such such strong contenders as Jira, the Tatooine food stand woman, and Ric Olié, former Naboo starship pilot. The latter remembers Panaka well.

"He wasn't happy when the poll results came in," says the pilot with some obviousness. "He started to wonder how, what, why. He started to doubt his own decisions. One time he had to pee and decided to go to the bathroom, but, remembering the Golden Rule of Panaka, he did the exact opposite and stayed where he was. Realizing that decision had to be turned around as well, he did go, but then realized... et cetera. In the end he just peed in his pants and that was the end of him, really. Obviously."

And so Captain Panaka, once the loyal protector of Senator Padmé Amidala, saw himself sacked from the Naboo Security Forces. He was followed by his nephew Captain Typho, who wishes not to comment on the matter.

originally filed 041702 by Debo

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