"You come to me asking for a favor, but you show no respect. You don't even bother to call me Godfather."
by Johnboy
"And so I says, '200 credits for an oil change! What are you nuts?' and electrocuted them on the spot."
by Johnboy
"And so I says, '200 credits for an oil change! What are you nuts?' and electrocuted them on the spot."
by Johnboy
Emperor: Luke, join the Dark Side or die! Luke: No. Emperor: Oh come on. Luke: No. Emperor: I'll be your buddy. Luke: No. Emperor: I'll let you borrow my shuttlecraft. Luke: No.
by Brian Barnes
Luke:"Emperor can I take the Death Star out for a spin?" Emperor:"Hold on let me think about it.........." Luke:"So can I." Emperor:"I'm still thinking.............." Luke:"SO!" Emperor:"NO!"
by JEDI MASTER STEPHEN FEDERIZO
"And they gave me this huge office with a window! Look at this view! I tell yuh, being emperor sure beats the pants off assistent secretary."
by Johnboy
Luke:"Emperor can I take the Death Star out for a spin?" Emperor:"Hold on let me think about it.........." Luke:"So can I." Emperor:"I'm still thinking.............." Luke:"SO!" Emperor:"NO!"
by JEDI MASTER STEPHEN FEDERIZO
Come sit on my lap and what do you want for Christmas little boy?
by Kaylar
TAKE UR WEAPON , STRIKE ME DOWN WITH ALL OF YOUR HATRED, AND TAKE THE POWER CONVERTERS OUT OF MY SIDE
by IOMS
TAKE YOUR WEAPON , STRIKE ME DOWN WITH ALL OF YOUR HATRED, AND TAKE THE POWER CONVERTERS OUT OF MY SIDE
by IOMS
Now look here, young man. This is the third time you've been sent to my office because you killed a teacher with this lightsaber. Say, I am looking for a new intern....
by Darth Yanger
BEN NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPEND WITH YOUR MOTHER , LUKE:HE TOLD ME ENOUGH, HE TOLD YOU KILL HER.........NO I AM YOU MOTHER.........AND LANDO IS YOUR BROTHER.........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
by IOMS
Emperor: Yeah...and then i said, Darth, baby, why don't you just choke the admiral? hahahah...get it?
by Maulrat
And here we have a spacious bay window to give you a simply wonderous view of any battle.
by Kaylar
Luke: But, if he's my dad, then that means that Leia's my sister, right? Emperor: Leia? Who's Leia? You mean, you aren't the only one? Luke: Damn...i thought you knew...man...leia's gonna kill me
by Maulrat
"Wow are those all stars?" "No, just bugs that get splattered on the windshield."
by Neeks
So, y'see kid, the life of a disc jockey isn't always all it's cracked up to be. After I O.D.'ed on 'Louie Louie' I came here to be alone with my neuroses...
by Marty Nerfherder
IF I KILL MY FATHER ,I CAN SIT THERE???
by IOMS
by
It's my turn to sit on the throne.C'mon it's my turn.I'm telling my dad.
by jade
"...and every time you start thinking of joining me, I'll laugh... it'll remind you that you hate my guts and would never join me for the world... Do we have a deal?" Luke: Emporer: Ahh young Jedi.... Obi Wan has taught you well...but your fly is still down my name is Aniga Montoya...you have killed my father...prepare to die The time had come...this moment had haunted Luke since his training had begun... his entire being was ready to battle all that which embodied evil...and all he could think was The time had come...this moment had haunted Luke since his training had begun... his entire being was ready to battle all that which embodied evil...and all he could think was... "Is my Zipper up?" Why don't you come sit in my lap and tell Santa what you want for christmas Wow...you're pretty old dude... Yeah... I've been waiting in this line to see episode one since they announced the producer!!! PALPATINE: Come on boy fetch the bone...c'mon...C'MON!... PALPATINE: "As long as you're up, would you get an old man a soda?" LUKE: "No, your highness, I'll never get you a soda..." You know I think you should have gone with a much larger screen on this TV, and you also should have gotten a couch or a love seat; how are you going to get any women with that chair? "AAAACCCTCKGH! HOW DARE YOU STARE AT ME WHILE I'M DOING MY POTTY!!! Hooded figure:So you see...I am NOT Palpatine I am DARTH SIDIOUS! HA HA HA!! Once you die I will use this station to kill EWOKS!!! LUKE: Go ahead see if I care! ( 9 hours after Lukes arrival ) Come boy, look! all those little white dots are MY ships and all the little RED ones are yours! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! AAARRRCTCH! HELP ME BOY!!! THE WHITE DOTS!!!....TOO....M....MANY....OF T...THEM!!! S...S...SO SCARY!!!!!!!! PALPATINE: When 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years old years YOU reach look so good YOU not HMM? Good, good, now do the tango Oh, and while you're at it, fetch me my cold beer Of course my child! That's the fashion- BLACK!!!! Come here boy...I have a SHOCKING surprise for you! HEH HEH HEH VERY SHOCKING! Palpatine: "if Vader is your father, guess who I am" Luke: "Grandpa!" In this scene Luke is about to discover the TRUE POWER of the Emperors 'ELECTROVOLT 2000 HAND BUZZER' " Now, stop your fussing, as soon as uncle Palpatine comes back from his visit, I'll get you that Elmo toy." If theforce.net is not on this server...then you will meet your DESTINY!!!!!!!! What!? NO MORE ROOM? HECK WITH THE SUPERLASER I WANT TO WATCH THE PHANTOM MENNACE NOW!!!!!! Tell me boy...are..you......................................LUKE? "That's right, my young apprentice...I will be in 'The Phantom Menace.' The hate is swelling in you now..." Emperor: Do you know where Rebel Scum like you End up? Luke: Morning Radio? "Do you have any skin cream my feeble friend; I'm beginning to look like a prune." "Do you have any skin cream my feeble friend; I'm beginning to look like a prune." "Look buddy, this electricity isn't for free!!!" does this outfit make me look fat? "...and then, silently I stole every Christma present, every ornament, and every stocking. There will be NO Christmas in Whoville...GOOOOD, I can feel your anger! The hate is swelling in you now!" "luke come here and feel my electric power rod" Oh OHHHHHH..... I can feal the anger rising withen you! Luke : Ya thats anger alright and so is this....... ( he sticks his toung out at him) You want this dont you? Luke: Heck ya !!! If hes my faughter than who are you? Oh no dont tell me your my mother!!!!!! Don't give ME that stuck in traffic routine, young man! That's it, no X Wing for a MONTH! ...well then Skywalker if you won't join us in the prquels you will be destroyed in this summer's action figure sales No this one doesn't have the tan vest either.... guards dispose of him bring the next jedi Skywalker Palp: Are those Bugle Boy Jeans you're wearing? Luke: Why, yes! Yes they are! -C'mere Luke, come sit on Unca Palpy's lap. -Daddy!!!!!!!! (EMP)"Look at what the dark side did for my AHEM...PERSONAL lightsaber!" (LUKE) "WHOA! Where do I sign?" "So you see, I'm not the same 'Emperor' that appeared in 'The Empire Strikes Back'" ...and that is how I plan to return in Episode 1. ...and that is how I plan to return in Episode 1. Palpy: "Do you hear what they are saying, Luke?? Look at this face, do I look like Darth Sidious?" Got milk? I can't believe it's not butter... And before us we see the new light'cutlass'5500. Yes, it slices, it dices, it makes Julian Fries... What we have here is a failure to communicate... Show me your lightning bolt!!! I Told Ya!!! I don't have a quarter!!! I Told Ya!!! I don't have a quarter!!! I Told Ya!!! I don't have a quarter!!! I Told Ya!!! I don't have a quarter!!! Luke:...so then she kissed me, and i find out that she's my sister, Doc, what am i gonna do? Emperor: for the last time, i don't care about your insignificant family problems, Ok... You have the best costume..... Now, young Skywalker, where is your report card? AND Thats where babies come from. Luke: Your overconfidence is your weakness. Emperor (whiny): Nuh-huh. I'm gonna tell Mr. Lucas on you... Mr Lucas.. Luke is teasing me again!!! You're so lazy!! All you ever do is take over the galaxy!! But you can't find the time to take out the garbage. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. "Now I don't want you getting into any more fights, understand? Otherwise, I'll have to call your father." "Yes, Principal Palpitine. I promise it won't happen again." We are family now (marlon brando's voice in the godfather) "Try and snatch the lightsaber from my hand, Grasshopper." Emperor: PLLLLEEEEASSSSE join the Dark side! Luke: No Emperor: I'll be your best friend!!! Luke: No Emperor: Why not??? Luke: It's not in the script. "Say, is that one of those massaging chairs from The Sharper Image?" "And what do YOU want for Christmas, young Skywalker?" "Don't give me that look, young man. You're not getting your saber back until your ten minute Time Out is over, and that's final." Would you like to sit on Santa's lap? "Hey, look! A shadow-bunny!" Emperor: "Come on...gimme your keys, and I'll give you your lightsaber. Ok? Is it a deal?" Sorry,where is the bathroom? "You see Mark, since you can't even get a role in a made for TV movie, your only option left is the Dark Side!" "So tell me my son why do you want to join the priesthood?" Take the stone from my hand young Jedi...and quit messing with your zipper Emperor: "Well son, I guess you are now used to the fact that Vader is your father... And I also guess it's time to tell you now that I am your nephew, yes, Leia's son. Is that creepy or what?" Are you the legendary King of the Goths? Luke: "Wait... Are you my grandfather?" Luke: "Are you related to Pruneface? Or are you one of the Glden Girls?" Since I'm here showing you these wonderful Amway products, why don't I show you some of our facial cosmetics. I know, I know. You're an all powerful despot, but I have just the thing for eye slugs Palpatine: I love my La-Z-Boy "Hey, Palpatine- do you ever spin around real real fast in that thing?" "You like it? I got it at a La Z Boy sale last winter" "I told you, I don't do windows!" "I don't know, Luke, black really isn't your color." "Someday this will all be yours." "What, the curtains?" "... and, as you can see, the kitchen has a lovely breakfast nook..." "Helluva view, Palpatine." "Yeah, the corner office came with the promotion - bah, quit trying to change the subject! It is pointless to resist!" too bad you didn't get your height from your father, eh shorty? "I got three words for you, Mr. Emperor. 'Oil-Of-Olay'. 'Cause,... well, ... damn." How come he always gets to sit down? My feet are really tired, so I should get the chair. You know Emperor. You really should brush your teeth more often. I did not appreciate you little April Fools prank, young Skywalker... And as you can see, Luke, I did all my own decorating. (Although, this post-modern angular widow design was Darth's idea.) We are thinking of making it a breakfast nook. Can you hand me some toilet paper? I'm all out. Why do you always get the Lay-z-Boy and the remote control? Luke: "Okay, one more time: You set a what for the Alliance?" Palpatine: "Sigh...You are such and idiot! Vader, are you sure this is your kid!?" Climb up on my lap and let me tell you a story, little boy... Emporer: See what I mean? You'd think for 10 credits an hour they'd do a better job of cleaning the windows on this Deathe Star, but noooo... Emperor: I'm sorry, Luke. There is just not enough room in the budget to give you the same salary as your father. I REALY REALY REALY REALY REALY LOVE STAR WARS if darth vader was a girl i'd screw him C'mon Luke. My window-design isn't that bad. C'mere and pull my finger Luke! He He! 'Well you see, I'm slumped like this because they left my Lay-Z-boy back at Coruscant. That really ticked me off so I told Darth Vader that they were the ones who put helium in his breathing tanks." Luke: I'm here. Now what? Emperor:Wouldn't You like to take off those hot and sweaty thinks and sit next to me. I mean, you know OK, so you need milk, butter, and the Weekly World news from the market? "Pick up the phone, activate the auto-dialer, and you journey to the telemarketing side will be complete." "So, you see, Luke, the dark side is really the light side, from a certain point of view." Agreed then. No more door slaming on heads. "You see? I can see my house from up here." Emperor: "Your father and I have told you over and over again, don't play with the lightsaber in the house! You'll get it back once you act like a responsible Jedi." Uh, no, that's okay....I don't want to sit in your lap. Emp: Give me a hug. Luke: No. Emp: Come on. Luke: No way. Emp: Lets go. Luke:NO! Suddenly Luke's insane fear of Santa Claus comes back to him in this memorable encounter Well there gonna also make me into an "Episode 1" figure what do you say to that huh? Emperor: "Now turn around and let me see the other side..." "I came all this way! I bow at your feet! Now you better tell me where you got that auto-swinging chair or I'm gonna cut it off it's little stand!!! Then what will you do? Huh?!?" At first, Luke thought being called to the principal's office was going to be alright. But then his father showed up.... Emperor: So...*snicker* I heard ya lost your hand *chuckle* Luke: Grr...you just better be careful or my father will kill you! The Emperor knew that a staring contest would wear the son of skywalker's defences down eventualy. What do you want now? Anybody order a pizza? Darth Vader never told you what happened to your grandfather. I...AM...YOUR...GRANDFATHER!!! ...that's Orion's belt and if you'll just turn around, Uranus will become visable. Your fly is down! You want.. this? Well, now it can be YOURS for only Ninety nine, ninety nine, ninety nine! I can feel the hate swelling inside you....or is that my acid reflux? "If you join the Empire, I'll give you this cool chair with all these buttons. Red, shiny ones, too!" An' then I says...da son of Skywalker must...get this...never become a Jedi...has there been a death in your family? This is funny stuff... So, do you cross your legs like everyone else, or is there some kind of apparatus hiding in your robe? Luke thought that if he wore black, the Emperor might mistake him for someone else... Luke: "watch where you point that thing..." *Emperor slowly points Luke's lightsabre in another direction... So George comes to me, and says, "So, Ian, wanna play Palpatine again?" Naturally, I refused, right? But he just kept nagging, and nagging, and nagging...why are you looking at me like that, Mark? Oh, don't look so glum.. you can always be a Dark Jedi like us! "So you telling me that if I join the dark side I don?t get medical insurance anymore? What kind of deal is this?" Emperor: "And if i clap my hands twice, your pitifull band of friends will witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battlestation...or was that to turn off the lights?" Emperor: "And if i clap my hands twice, your pitifull band of friends will witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battlestation...or was that to turn off the lights?" Luke: Yes, sir. I did blow up the first Death Star. Emperor: I would spank you but, now a days I could get in trouble with your parents sooo. I'll just zap you with my force lightening! Emperor: "I'm going to be in the new movie, are you?" Luke: "NEVER!!!!" and then Luke uses the force to grab his lightsaber to try to strike down the Emperor and you know the rest... Listen boy, im telling you the dark side of the force is the best. You get total power, can give shock theropy and get to dress as a gnome. granted you get old and wrinkly, need clones to survive. Oh C'mon, sit on Ol Uncle Palpy's lap and I'll tell you all about the wonders of the DARK SIDE. I'm telling you, it's the ultimate batchelor pad! I got this kick ass chair, and check out the view! I just sit here in my robe and watch space fights all day. OK...I'll tell you what I want for christmas...but I wont sit on your lap! ..So this dark side of the force you were talking about....will it cover the medical bills for my hand? "Ahhhh. Boy that felt good." luke: "damn my washroom doesn't have such a good view" Yes, I *do* believe that Louisiana is a pelican state... "Man, pops, you have a nice view of the galaxy from the retirement home!" "Shuddup and get my oxygen!!" You think it's easy being Emperor? It's always public appearance here, crushing primitive cultures there. Your old man gets to have all the fun. I never get to choke anybody anymore... "You never close your eyes anymore, when I kiss your lips, and there's no tenderness like before, in your finger tips. You're trying hard not to show it, but baby, believe me I know it, You lost that "Everything that has transpired has done so according to my desire-well, except that part about falling down the core shaft, and that bit about blowing up the Death Star. What!? Stop Staring!" You see young Skywalker, my swartz will always be bigger than yours, no matter how buffed up you are..... hehehehe... "And? So What?" My father once told me that you were mean, smelly, old grouch. So..uh...kill him...he's right over there.... Emperor: Luke can you make my chair go in circles? Luke: Okay. Luke seemed appalled, and immediately asked the Emperor to please close his robe. If I turn to the dark side, will I get an office with a view, too? Come sit on Uncle Palpy's lap Lukey...I promise I won't do the electric hand buzzer gag again! I have foreseen it. You, like your father, will now tell me what you want for Christmas. "Mr. Palpatine? Can I have your autograph? I'm your biggest fan..." Charles S. Lewis III "And now, young Skywalker, prepare to meet your maker!" "George Lucas? Cool! Maybe I'll be able to get his autograph! Where is he?" Emporer: "Hey, pal, don't get mad me just because going to show up in the prequels." "Uh-oh... Gage, I TOLD you the Luke Skywalker guise wasn't a good idea... you DID save the game on Endor, didn't you?" (Journeyman Project) Join us, and this view, young Skywalker could be yours... just think of the babes you could get with this view...no more kissing your... sister ... yes That will be $19.95 for the pizza. No Thanks, I don't want to join the dark side.... But can I have the throne chair for 20 bucks? Emp: "Come young Jedi. Feast your eyes upon this luxurious, evil, dark side chair." Luke: "No thanks, I'll stand, Mr I've-Been-In-The-Bathtub-Way-Too-Long..." Palpatine:"Luke, I won't let you see my extensive collection of power converter 'till you turn to the dark side." Luke:"Awwwwww! Pleeeeeeeeeeeez!" Luke: You know you do have a great view from up here. "It's very simple, young Skywalker. First you get the credits , then you get the power, then you get the women." Luke: You know you do have a great view from up here. Emperor: Do not underestimate the realty powers of the empire. "C'mere an' give yer Gramps a big smooch..." Ewwwwww... Biggs, let me tell you this, YOU sure don't look any better thatn when I last saw you. Luke - Forget it! I am NOT going to sit on your lap and call you Uncle Palpy! You've got some schmotz on your robe Come on Luke. Sit in your Uncle Palapatine's lap. "Take the bone. I am defenceless. Strike me down and your journey to the Dog Side would be complete!" Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? I tell ya, kid, this throne's got EVERYTHING...*FWOOSH!!* See! I told you I could balance your lightsaber on the edge of the chair...now PAY UP! Hmmm. I don't know. How about a little of this facial cream? That should work nicely. Wow. You sure have changed. What ever happend to the nice man in Episode 1? Oh, wait. I wasn't born yet. Oops. Ok, first we're going to remove a little bit of the fat from your cheeks and insert it into your chest, then.... Luke: "So, you're telling me that if I turn to the dark side...I'll look like you?" I'm here to talk to you about the dangers of having unsafe sex.... Hello...Dr. Evil! Kill Me Billy! When I was your age I killed by Grandpa! "I cannot tell a lie ... I chopped down the Death Star" Can you feel the love tonight? "AHH! There's a hand coming out of my chest!" "SLUGS!!!!!!!" I can feel the anger swelling within...why is the audience lauging at me? With a push off this button I will unleash Windows 98 apun the universe. And only I have the correct update patches...........Oh boy am I evil. Join me, I don't even care if you want to kiss your sister. So, how hard did you have to kiss Lucas' ass to get in the new movie? There will be no more of that "it was only a cinemax movie" crap. I know porn when I see it! Now go to your room this instant! You may fire when ready commander. What? Its not ready yet? Five minutes? Make it two, or I send Vader. You know what happened to Ozzel. Get on it, you goon. The Emperor's tactic cut from ROTJ: Come on, Monica did it. As your agent, i'm sorry to say you didn't get that part in the new Star Wars movie. Come on, it's MY turn to have my buttocks massaged! Nice cloths. Y'know, you're a lot older than I expected. Look, I just paid 2 bucks for this lousy ride, and I wanna know why it's not working! "Join me... and you could have a chair just like this one! See, it even has a back massager..." "Do you take dictation?" Come on, Monica did it. "This chair?? Oh, I got it at the Sharper Image it was on sale you know." Here's a quarter; go down to the sewer and have a rat gnaw that strange black spot off the side of your hood... Bend down so I may put up my feet. Even using his force powers Luke did not detect the joybuzzer in Palpatine's hand. YOU want to spin around in MY chair.... you have much the learn young Skywalker "You like this chair. . ..don't you? It's one of the perks when you're the Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy. Kind of makes you want to join the Dark Side eh Skywalker?" "No my young apprentist, you will not be in the Prequels" "Yes, the view is nice, but I was looking for beach front property." "That's supposed to sound like Goofy? That's nothin', my dad does this GREAT Mufasa impression. Show him dad!" EMPEROR: Do not hate me because I am beautiful. "Now grasshopper, try to snatch pebble from hand" "Has ol' uncle palpatine ever told you the story of how I single-handedly slaughtered the jedi? The emperor's pathetic attempt at the 'fake hand' trick. ''Hello you're highness.'' ''AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHH!!! Go away... I'am allergic name Luke Skywalker'' See, Luke, Taurus the Bull. And under it the constillation Feces. Luke: I'll never join the darkside, you can't-- lets get this over with we both know yu love me and want tomarry me and have jedi chidren you siko!!! "....oh, and while you're up, could you get me a Pepsi?" "And then, after a wait of over twenty years, I shall return triumphantly with more Star Wars." Lucas explainging his master plan to Hamill during a break on the set. i swear i didnt know she was my sister when i kissed her. Emperor Palpatine: "Wash my car and I'll give you your lightsaber back." Luke (whining): "But I don't wanna wash your car..." Emperor Palpatine: "Oh quite your whining and get over there and do it!" Palpatine: "Are those Bugle Boy pants you are wearing?" Palpatine: "I want to do away with this ugly window sheme thing i have here, im thinking more color...how about you?" Skywalker: "For the last time i am not your imperial decorator" Palpatine: "Oh yeah that dark look is totally you!" psst.... hey luke, pull my finger come here boy, sit on my lap and tell santa what a good boy you have been How do you want me to dance ? Emperor: I can feel the anger rising within you! Luke : Thats not anger thats constipation !!!! Emperor : OH CRAP!!!!!! Skywalker, could you open the window? Just kidding! If you will not turn to the dark side, george won't give you a part in the prequels The cockpit of the Millenium Falcon had to be enlarged to accomedate the massive throne for the Emperor's famous one-handed stunt flying scene. I'm afraid it's true young Skywalker, I'm turning into a crab Luke: "Avon calling!" "So if Vader's my Dad, can I call you Grandpa? Can I sit in your chair? Wanna make legos? Here's my Christmas list! Don't buy Leia anything, she's mean!" Palpatine: "Uh, yes my young... Grandson!" "You can have the lightsaber back when you learn NOT to play with it in the house, and your allowance this week is going to pay for that broken lamp....Now go to your room, young man!" I'll just have a Cheese Burger Lap, shmap. I'm not so sure... You don't LOOK like the Santa from the mall. I thought i told you to be in by ten mister man. You're in deep diddly dot doodly doo doo! Now watch, ladies and gentlemen, as I use the Force to make Mark Hamill's future film career disappear. Luke: "Why do YOU get to be in the new movie and I don't?" Sit down, little boy, and tell Santa Palpatine what you want for Christmas. ...and what do you want for Christmas? So your supposed to be the almighty Emperor?, you look more like an open autopsy to me!!!" What you lookin' at? Is that a lightsaber under your rob? Or are you just happy to see me? Is that a light saber in your pocket my young apprentice, or are you happy to see me? Young fool. If only you knew the power of my THRONE, you could sit while you do that!" "The rent's a little more with this view, but there's always SOMETHING going on out there." Palpy: "Wow! This view is great! I'll take it!" Luke: . o O ( Sucker. This place is known for its earthquakes ) "You want this, don't you? BUT WAIT! If you order today you get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless ashtray!" Palpatine: Nice hairstyle Luke: Thanks "Actually, what you have to do is relax your eyes and look at it long enough. If you do, you'll see a Super Star Destroyer!" "WOW! I SEE IT!" Lookout! It's comin right at us! Luke learns the basics of sign language from the WRONG instructor. That doesn't mean FRIEND! "But master Palpatine, how can running on this hamster wheel make me a Jedi?" So I says to the guy... So I says to the guy... So ya wanna play monopoly? "So tell me, young Skywalker, now that you've saved the galaxy from tyranny and oppression, what are you going to do?" "I'M GOING TO EWOKLAND!" "Well, this IS the same power converter they'd try to sell you at Toshi Station. But you get a 30 day warranty with mine." read with a lisp: "And I don't get this black espace ecamouflage... you go into the void, I can't SEE you! If you're going to fight.. CLASH!" ragabash Dad, can I barrow the car? So you made this entierly outta bamboo huh? Welcome to the North Tower, now sit on my lap and tell Santa Palpatine what you what for Christmas. Pay no attention to the man behined the curtain "Come on, take the saber, everbody else here has got one but you. You don't want to be a loser, just take the saber." No I will not pull your finger Jeez, doesn't anybody knock anymore?! I'll be done in a minute!! "Look out the window, young Skywalker, and watch the Rebel fleet be destroyed!" "Actually, all I see is the starfield backdrop." "You shall pay for your lack of vision..." Emperor: From here you will film the last scene of the last movie you will ever be in. Emperor: "Hey kid come here. Here's your lightsaber. If you kill Vader for me, I'll give you a thousand credits, and a free trip to the Dark Side. Why? I like Prince Xizor a lot better..." Hey, is there any chance you can break a fifty? "Come sit on my knee, child, and tell me what you want for Christmas..." Principle Palpatine suspended the young Luke Skywalker for bringing a weapon, a lightsaber, to school. Emperor: "This button here fires the super laser. That yellow one there calls for room service. And that orange one, well...nobody really knows what that does. It was hear when we moved in." Luke: Anything else sir? A drink? Something to eat? I am the vindow vasher, I come to vipe and vash your vindows. Hey,nice lazy boy! Luke: but I wanna spin in the chair! Emperor: wait your turn, whiney boy. Luke: not fair! not fair! Emperor: *raspberries* Ah Hahahahah . . . The glow of battle really brings out the palor of your skin. Come sit on Grampy Palpatine's lap, sonny boy. Emperor: I can feel the hate swelling in you! Luke: No, that's just the bean burrito I had for lunch. Emperor Claus: What do you want for Cristmas little boy? Luke: A puppy. Emperor Claus: Sorry, all out. How about electrocution with Dark Force Lightning? BZZZZT BZZZT ZAP POW!! Emperor: You want this, don't you? Luke: No, not really. Emperor: Oh . . . BUT NOW YOU DO!!! Luke: No, I'm fine, really. Emperor: Strike me down with all your hatred. Luke: What about striking you down with mild annoyance instead? Emperor: No, you'll have to do better than that. Ohhh! I just LOVE these bay windows! Luke: Your overconfidence is your weakness. Emperor: Your faith in your pants is yours! Hey, Palpy, what are those sluggy things squirming around your head? In an odd turn of events, the Emperor decides to use Darth Squinky, his hand puppet, to taunt Luke. "Whatcha gonna do? Attack a puppet? Go pick up some power converters, whiner. MWU HA HA HA HAAA! What do you mean you forgot the Tofu! "Have you completed your mission?" "Yes, my lord. I ordered 5 pizzas from Domino's with all your favorite topping, the deliver man will arrive in 15 minutes at the Alpha-5 hanger." "Where's the Bathroom again?" Grandpa, I'm ready to hear another story of your mass destruction and my friends' deaths. Hey... a... sir? That lightsaber on your chair is about to fall... ha! gotcha!!! Um, your Eminence, your fly's open I have to warn you for Empire Insurance pruposes that the glass your standing near is highly breakable. I just don't want you to fall out before you turn to the dark side... Emperor: "This lightsaber is mine...heh heh heh." Luke: These song parodies are really corny...almost as bad as the name Gungan. George (off camera): Hey Mark! What did I tell you about that! damm your ugly!!!!!!!! where can i get a burger? Luke: "You want me to what?!" "Aren't you a little short for an emperor?" "But the Empire's HMO doesn't cover plastic surgery, so..." Luke(whining):I don't want to go over to the Dark Side!!!! I want my power converters!!! Emperor: "So, where do you see yourself in five years?" "Now, come sit on Palpatine's lap and tell him what you want for christmas!" So, this Dark Side, does it come with HBO? Ever notice that, no matter how you turn you head, my eyes seem to follow you? You know Luke, those pants look hot on you. Did you get them from the Gap? Hey, Palp, if I start running along this wall does it turn like a hamster cage? As you can see, i'm the one in the big chair...so its obvious im the one in charge. Why yes, I am wearing "Obession" Luke(to himself): My God! What is that thing next to his face? A black leach or something? Luke:Never the Dark side, you will you turn me. Emperor: You were trained by Yoda weren't you? Luke: Get out of my seat! Palpatine: I don't see your name on it,! Luke: Get out! Palpatine: Make me! You're late! It took you 37 minutes to get here with my pizza so you get no tip! Like my fishtank? I feel that it dominates the room at times. You want a raise? And just what have you done for this empire young man? I am seeing a great struggle in your future........That will be $12.50 for the reading Don't be silly, you can't see Tatoeen from this side of the station. I have called you here today because there has been a great disservice done to the family... (Emperor) You'll have to excuse me the static electricities real bad (Luke) I have a bad feeling about this Emperor: "So, young Jedi, Where are my pants?" Emperor: "Search your feelings." Luke: "Your right, the green eye shadow does make you look more sickly." Join me, young jedi, and I'll give you as many power converters you want. I bet you can't hit that second cruiser from the left, your Highness? I bet you can't hit that second cruiser from the left, your Highness? I'm Join the Dark Side, young Skywalker: you'll get this best wheelchair in the world. "Please, Pallie! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna go to that party at Han's" "Think about it Luke, great view, modern accomidies, look at this char. All for a minimum down payement and $200 a month co-op fee" "Umm...I don't know how to tell you this, but I wrecked the Death Star." Luke: Hey, are you sure? Emperor: Yeah, and Han Solo himself said 'tell Luke to do as the Emperor tells him'. Luke: Yeah, well, If Han said so... Marty-bagatimbits Yeah, and that makes me your uncle Palpatine. Now do you understand. "luke..your zipper down.." Whoa--I can see my X-Wing from up here. Yes, that really is my hand. Now come over here and give it a shake... "It was I who alowed TheForce.net to know the location of the Naboo set. An ENTIRE legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I'm afraid the fake Newsweek article will be out when your friends arrive" Ok I'll join the darkside if you can get me on the A list. "But Sir, I'm sure you could afford a face lift." Emperor: Nice view isen?t it? Luke: Yeah right! What is your game? As you can see young Skywalker...there's nothing up my sleeve... Palpatine: "Young man, stop your whining or I'll give you something to whine about." Luke, I am your mother Palpatine: "Luke, uh, I heard that you and Leia are brother and sister and I was wondering if I could take her out next Saturday?" Luke: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" (making the contorted rabbit face) Palpatine: "Really, Luke, come give your Emperor a kiss hello." Luke: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" (again making the contorted rabbit face) Palpatine: "Hey, Luke, did you see last night's Simpsons episode?" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" (once again the contorted rabbit face) Palpatine: "...And then I says to Vader, 'Betcha my force lightning can kill FIVE admirals,' Whatta maroon!" Palpatine: "Awww, I was just kiddin' about the 'join us or die' thing, No hard feelings?" We shall hold the planet hostage for....1...million...dollars! "Nice view, uh?" Let me guess: You are my grandfather You don't see this kind of light saber-craftsmanship nowadays. Why, back in my day..." Palpi: "I think you're gonna have to accept Dark Side control for the time being" Luke: "I will join no dark side, Emperor" Luke: "I will join no dark side, Emperor" Luke: She told me she was 18. E:"How would you like to make a credit Vader?" L:"My name's not Vader emperor, it's Luke." E:"Sith it Billy do ya want a credit or don't ya?" L:"Sure" And you can tell this house has a very good view "So you see boy, that by installing the worlds first hamster wheel in my chambers, not only do I get to watch your friends die but I get a complete work-out also." "Really? I always thought Ayn Rand's opinion on a collectivist state were quite reality-based..." What a Fungus face! DAD(guy standing up): Son get off your Nintendo NOW!! SON(boy sitting down): But Dad!!! DAD: No 'buts' I said NOW!!!!! SON: NO!!! DAD:(using old Jedi mind trick) You don't need to beat this level. Emperor Palpatine: Luke... I am your mother! Hey, man! I'm a Staff Manager at Burger King, and I don't have to take this! "WHATTAYA MEAN NO ADVANCE TICKETS!?!?!?" Luke: (In a whining voice) "But it's myyyyy turn to spin in the chair." "...you "...you're not a bad kid, it's just that I'm putting you on probation for a week because you crashed the X-wing, lost the speeder, and trashed the bar. And you've got to be more careful with that Hey look, I can see my house from up here! Emperor: "Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational rocking chair!" Emperor: "You whippersnappers these days, you got it easy... All you have to do is kill me and Vader! I had to slay Jedi left and right, all day long....AND I LIKED IT!" "Good job, Luke. Those foolish rebels will never know what hit them." "Thanks, Grandpa Palpy. Can I have a cookie?" "Luke, I think you should apologize to Vader for chopping off his mechanical hand.." "But he started it!!" "No buts! Apologize!" "Aww, shucks..." "Now, Luke, go to Toshi Station, and pick up the power converters! Fulfill your place at my side! HAHAHAHA!!!!!" Luke: "Let me guess, you're my long lost third cousin." "Awww, gee, Mr. Emperor, I don' wanna play with my lightsaber!" "I SAID, take up your weapon and use your aggressive feelings! Or go to bed without any nutrition sticks!" Emporer Palpatine was later quoted on saying, "No, I never had a relationship with Mr. Skywalker." Emp: "And now young Skywalker... You must clean ALL my windows!" I don't got your stinkin' tickets! Go back in line Pruny!!!! Luke: Um... Emperor Palpatine, your fly is unzipped. "It's got 30,000 lightyears, a fully adjustable superlaser, a fleet of TIEs, and this awesome chair. Only a million spacebucks for this fine Death Star." Wanna see me extend my lightsaber? Okay, I'll look out the window - but my friends better not be dead! "Talk about your room with a view." - "Yes, my boy, and it can be all yours if you turn to the Dark Side!" "What is it about using the Force that makes everyone short?" - "Vader isn't short." - "Vader has implants!" - "Please let's not be vulgar!" "Of all the battle stations in all the galaxy, you had to walk into mine." Go on take the lightsaber and strike me down! I won't mind!" "You'd let me kill you? Give up all this power,prestige,wealth just to turn me to the Dark Side?" "Okay, maybe I'll just keep the saber!" "Go ahead; Pull my finger!" luke:"i see you've done some redecorating..." emporor:"yess young skywalker...yesss..." Emperor: So, black's the new fashion statment for good guys too now, eh? Luke: Actually, my white Jedi uniform is at the cleaners... Anakin34 Where did vader go? I saw him heading to the Toilet. So, you ate my jelley beans! Godfather, I come to ask a favor.... Luke: So you're tellin' me that if I join the dark side I wont be a whinny brat? Emperor: Yes. Luke: WOOHOO! I'm in! "Um...dad, remember how I said i needed the car, and i'd be real careful...? well...uh..." Anakin34 "Um...dad, remember how I said i needed the car, and i'd be real careful...? well...uh..." "Bendover young skywalker, let me show you the power of the dark side."" Your chair looks like a horses butt "I am Spartacus!" "Why are you staring at me like that? Is my mask on upside down again?" Luke look at me. I can't. How come? Well.....well..... What is it Luke?! You forgot you skin lotion again! Oh. Luke look at me. I can't. How come? Well.....well..... What is it Luke?! You forgot you skin lotion again! Oh. Man I most look real creepy... + Now Mr. Palpatine, designed to fit your lifestyle, this La-Z-Boy recliner goes well in any den, nursery, family room, or Death Star. Without it no battle station is fully armed and operational. So I built a second Star Destroyer...that got destroyed. But the third one stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get. The strongest Star Destroyer in the galaxy. Dad, can I borrow the lightspeeder tonight? "Where the hell are the kegs and strippers?" Luke: Wow!!! That battle over there looks just like the game Star Wars Rebellion. Emperor: Yeah but this has better graphics. "You know, a little cold creme will get rid of most of those wrinkles." Luke: Just because your the Emperor, you think you can sit any where you want. Move. Palpatine: I don't see your name on it. Luke: When you said come to the darkside, you weren't kidding! "say wha?" nope man, I don't think so, down there is too long to bunji jump Oh! Excuse me. I didn't realize anybody was using the bathroom. Come on, join the dark side. We have a great medical plan. "if I join do I get a company car?" "Sure, why not." "Ok, i'm in. Sit, and tell me what you want for christmas. You want this... don't you.. well too bad!! You been a baaad boy, and bad boys don't get to play with their light sabers. I get to keep it till episode one comes out! Now run along.... Dammit! Whats my line!? and here.. is my urinal.. you can not use it unless you turn to the darkside and we could be in here for a few days hahaha! Luke:"Wow ! I thought that my father is ugly under his helmet , but you..." so little boy, what do you want for christmas? Yuk, what happened to your face? Emperor:"It is time for you to learn responsibility my young apprentice. This week no allowance, Skywalker! See the stars, young Skywalker? That one there is the Big Dipper! Tell me, young Skywalker, who's your tailor? Those cuffs are going to be like your career after this sequel...but I still have some scripts coming to me! HA! 'what do you mean I can't borrow the speeder tonight!!' NO Emperor Palpatine, I will not make out with you!!! You plan on sitting there all night, or are you going to blow something up? "Back in my day, we didn't have starships. We had to walk to solar system to solar system. In 6 feet of snow! Palpantine: In time you will learn to call me master, and reveal the plot of the new movie. "I want a train set, a footbal..." Here son sit on uncle palpatine's knee and tell him what you want for christmas GIVE ME A NO.3 VALUE MEAL & A COKE TO GO! "Help me welcome a very special guest all the way from Tatooine. A very talented whiner and..um..whiner! Luke Skywalker, ladies and gentlebeings!" Late Night with the Emperor's final broadcast Luke: "You know, you really need to get out in the sun more, the DARK side has not been kind to your skin color" "You know, being Emporer aint all it's cracked up to be. You have to be fearsome, mean, and even with all the technology in the galaxy you can't get decent face surgery." I see you want these special advanced tickets for Episode 1, huh? Luke: "You've got something on your face." Palpatine: "There, did I get it?" Luke: "Yeah, it's gone." Palpatine: "Where was I? Oh yes, from here you will witness..." I'd get up to shake your hand, but my foot's asleep Palpatine:"Young Skywalker.At last you will come in Dark side"Luke:"Listen.You should know that you die in end...Doesnt you read story?You die and i win" No, really, I didn't mean to blow up that cruiser. I swear, my finger slipped. Oops, there it goes again! And now, when I snap my fingers, you will WAKE UP ... Luke can you give a roll of toliet paper Luke, can you give a roll of toliet paper? When you look to your left, you see the wonderfull planet of Endor... I really wish I had a cool spacey chair like you do! - Yes I know, but you can't becuase you're a sad whining farm boy who doesn't have any power converters. The power converters are the key. Emperor: No, young Skywalker. You cannot have the cookies of dark omen. Luke: Oh, please! If you give me the cookies, I'll join the dark side! Dark side this, dark side that, whatever...look buddy you got twenty bucks for this pizza or what? "Well Mr. Skywalker, I see you've been sent to my office for the third time this week! I'm going to have to call your parents now." "It wasn't my fault Principal Palpatine! Han Solo MADE me do it!" "Please sir, just one ride in the chair?" "Gimme a quarter first, then we'll see." Well, don't just stand there, come give grandpa a hug! "this could be your last moment skywalker. Take a coffe brek while you still can" Damn it! "Look! Look! It's the big dipper!" This apartment is costing me an arm and a leg just because it has a great view... "Hey Luke. Little Help? . . . I'm sorta stuck. Luke: Dude! What a cool toilet! Palpatine: It's not a toilet, you fool! Luke: Why are you wearing a hood? Were you burned by a lightsabre or something? Emperor: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future. Emperor: "Come here sexy..." Luke, come check out this awesome massage chair! And my new big screen tv! Now come on, give your new master a hug! It is your choice, young Skywalker. The saber... Or the Episode I tickets I have in my hood! " Young Skywalker, your fly is opened." you too can have a stuning view like this, for only 30,000 credits, and a little turn to the dark side..... Look at this hand. You see, I never used to bite my fingernails, and look how I turned out! Down in front! Episode one's about to start. Palp: Come on Luke, join the dark side! Luke: Well, okay, but only if I get a cool vibrating pleasure chair too! Dude! That is a lazy boy? Where did you get it?!! Hey dad, can I get one? Vader: When you master the dark side...Luke: AHH CRAP! I WANT IT NOW! So, at last I meet the ringleader behind this circus. Wow, you can see everything from your window. Hey! There's my house! Hey, is that one of those new LAYBACK 2000 relaxation couches? Palpatine:give in to the dark side of the force. Luke:yaya but can you point me to the little Jedi's room first Luke:"were you by any chance ever called Darth Sidius?......" Palpatine: So, now that I finally have you here, let me tell you about a great TIMESHARE opportunity! Palpatine: Hey Luke, check out this kewl chair i'm gonna use to sit in line for the prequel! "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned." Luke: Palpatine, you really need use some sunblock, you're as wrinkled as a prune! Palpatine: Come here Luke, I want to smell your cologne. "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. You see, I kissed my sister... Palpatine: Look Luke, give up your prequel ticket or a certain desert planet is going to be space dust. I'm sorry your Majesty, but the box office said absolutely no advance ticket sales and they don't take American Express. luke:so tell me,do you like the windows?emperor:yes, thank you luke windowwasher! See, if I put my hands together like this, my shadow kinda looks like a butterfly. Go ahead. . .try it. . . Yess... come sit on my lap young Skywalker... Wait a minute!!! Your not Santa Claus!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that Vader's gone --- we can finally be alone .... "Trust me, young Jedi, Amway is your destiny..." ZZZZZzzzzz ZZZZZzzzz ... Ahem -- Ah excuse me.... Mr. Emperor... are you awake? Hello?? Luke's Though-Bubble : { " I wonder what he's wearing under that robe... Hmmmm ..." } Your friends will die.... Your rebellion will die.... and I have a woody. Once I crush the Rebellion -- I'm going to Disney Land! McDarmind to Director: "So I'm trying to take over the universe, crush a rebellion, and turn a son against his father... what's my motivation here again?" Dude this bites -- I can't think of anything funny! One day my young apprentice, you too will be able to sit in the swivel chair. Why Granny, what white skin you have All right, Jedi, hand over the Episode 1 tickets. so we meet again for the first time for the last time Did you lose count, again? luke: "hey buddy, what's with the nail?" Emperor: I can see my house from here. Hey, you look like that guy in that movie preview with Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson! Are those yellow contact lenses prescription? Emp: Where is Vader? Luke: He went to go change into something more comfortable. Forschungszentrum J?lich Are these Anderson windows? Now, about my last Death Star... Emperor: "Well...nobody wants a war, Skywalker. Why, if we can't do business, we'll just shake hands and...that'll be it." I read at TheForce.net that you might be Darth Sidious Do I look fat in black? ....but we offer a great 401k. You rang, sir? Hey Dad, can I borrow the keys? I have a date. Emperor: Luke, I am your father! Luke: Noooo, it?s not true!!! You win! I guess your shwartz really is bigger than mine. Move boy, you're blocking my view of the big game! You move too slow, boy! How can you ever join the dark side if you can't win at musical chairs? Why don't you come over here and pull my finger? If the Dark Side is so great where are all the babes? Ahhh! I'm glad this thing has rotating massaging heads! Destroying entire starsystems really creates tension between my shoulderblades! Come closer, boy! Ha!!! You didn't ask, "Emperor may I?" Well, to be honest with you, the chair's not really all that comfortable, but the view . . . ah, the view!!! "Yeah, well, your fat ."-Luke after the emperor was done expecting him . So, can you get cable on this ?? You really need skin moisturizer You rule Luke Skywalker: No! I will not do it! The Empire: Oh, come on, Luke! Come sit on Pappa's lap! Emporer: 'Tell me, really, does this cloak make me look fat?' So, if i follow the dark path, i'll look like you? no thanx i'll be going now Y'now Emporer, your kinda cute. If I catch you kissing your sister again, it's off to bed with no dinner! No silly, I don't really love my sister "Damn! I thought Windex wasn't supposed to streak" "Mark Hammill, I sentance you to 15 years hard labor for crappy acting!" ... as you see emperor, the view of this ship is great, also the ship counts whit 4 bathrooms and 5 bedrooms, and it's close to Hoth system... Even at that distance Luke could still tell that the Emperor needed a Tic Tac. emperor: so what do you think of the view babe? luke: forget it....i ain't that easy "Come, Young Skywalker, sit on my lap and tell PalpaClaus what you want this year...have you been a very bad boy this year?" No, the view outside the previous Deat Star (tm) was better "You wouldn't happen to have any paper, would you?" Luke:"You grab my ass one more time old man......AND STOP TELLING ME TO WHIP MY LIGHTSABER OUT!" Luke: "I want a Red Sith double-bladed lightsaber for christmas!" Emperor Claus: "No way, kid, you'll chop your leg off." Come closer, boy ... I can't see a darn thing through this big ol' hood! Viagra delivery boy! Luke... Luke... I hear you have only seen Return of the Jedi 99 times.. I'm very disappointed... Palpantine: That's the last time I let you borrow the keys to the Super-Star Destroyer! Your grounded! Now go to your Carbonite Chamber and don't come out 'til I say you can! come on, luke..gimmie the remote. you know i've got a bad back. "Ya see kid, if you just recruit six people to the dark side, and THEY each recruit six, then pretty soon we're talking REAL money..." emperor: Luke I am your father! emperor: Luke I am your father! Luke: How can you be my father Vader already said he was my father in the last movie? emperor: Well that's sort of a long story. "Luke, my boy...ahm makin' you an offah you con't refuse" LUKE: Ya know, that real dark yucky makeup you have on REALLY doesn't make you appealing to the girls. Did Mr. Bigglesworth do that to you? Luke:is it you who ordered the stripper Why don't you come over here and sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas. And for crying out loud kid, STOP WHINNING!!! No, I'm not Santa Claus and no, you can't sit on my lap Emperor"Did you bring my fries?" "Welcome to Toshi Station. Can I interest you in some power converters?" Well, ummm...See, Mr. Palpatine...Billy stole my term paper and I was just tryin' ta get it back... Emperor:"You still owe me that five dollars." Luke:"Alright, alright." Gi'mme a high five, my homeboy! Luke to Vader: What are you starin' at, Humpty Dumpty? "Do the Joker voice and you can have your Lightsaber back." Is this your lightsaber, or are you just happy to obey me? Don't stand there looking at me like that! Come give your uncle a hug. . . come on, come on. . . Listen, Luke, the truth is your Dad's kinda crapped out lately and he'd be really psyched if you'd just come on over to the dark side. I don't think this all black look is good for you. Sure, it's slimming, but it takes away from your eyes!but hey, Luke, be a bud and pull my finger. . . Does this robe make me look fat? Come, Come young jedi sit on my lap and tell me ..... How bad did you want kiss your sister? Are those crumbs on your face? Luke, I am your grandfather. "Hey Palpy! Wussup? I can call you Palpy, right?" "Soon you will call me MASTER." "Oh...I see." "Hey Luke, guess who's NOT going to be in the prequels? Nyah nyah!" The moment when the gloating Emperor told Luke exactly who would be appearing in Star Wars I. Lifting his hand, a jovial Emperor Palpatine prepares to give his delivery of the old "handbuzzer trick". "So Luke, did George call you about the Prequel?" "Prequel? What Prequel?" "Oh, uh...nothing. Nevermind." emperor " you'll no longer be needing those" (Luke's pants fall to the ground) Emperor: "Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let's just watch the battle together. Who are you rooting for? My money's on the Imps." Palpatine: "Hey! You're standing in the way! I'm trying to watch Seinfeld here!" Come, sit on Grandpas lap So, young Skywalker, what batteries does your lightsabre use? Are you almost finished using the john? Oh, sorry. I didn't see you sitting there. Can't a guy get some privacy in his own bathroom? Why yes luke, I would love to dance with you Luke: "My father always told me never to accept candy from strangers." Emperor: "Your father's a Dark Lord of the Sith who cut your hand off and you know it. Now get over here!!" Emperor: "Young Fool!" Luke: "ass hole!" "You wouldn't mind if I..eh...played with your lightsaber, would you? Look out the window, and see the power of the wookies! "Come here and tell me what you want for christmas big boy" don't make me zap your ass boy, take the damn thing!!! Luke: "What the hell is that black mark on the side of your face?" How many times do I have to TELL you boy?! Emperor: "Look, how many times do I have to explain it you feeble minded fool, I was the one that was behind the attack's on Naboo. Haven't you been watching the trailers?" Palpatine: Oh, come on! Grab it, I dare you! ...You know you want it...go on...take it.... Luke: ......What are you talking about? I can live without a lightsaber.... Five bucks says you can't climb that wall there. ya know, sitting in the sun a little bit might help your complexion...hey, you too dad. let's go to the beach! forget this save the galaxy job, get out the sun tan oil! Emporer: Come closer. Luke: Um uh yeah would you like to buy some space scout cookies. I go to the bathroom for one minute and you've already stolen my seat! You want to sit in my chair, don't you? To enjoy it comfort, its built in phone, and massaging action. Luke's lightsaber had been out of his sight for quite awhile and he had to wonder....just where has it been? Why's it smell funny now? I hope the old guy isn't getting any ideas ...and I put the window frames in myself 20 miles? In the snow? No shoes, you say! Yeah, right! " The stars at night are shining bright, ( clap clap clap clap) deep in the heart of Texas" So you see Luke it's songs like that that keep me from attacking earth. "So, yer pop's the big, bad Darth Vader. That's nothin', kid. My old man was none other than Darth Kuni!" "Not..." "Yes! Darth Kuni! Host of the daytime holonet game show *Wheel of Sith*!" "Darth may be your dad, but *I* am your father's brother's cousin's former roomate!" "Hrmm...that explains Uncle Nutsy..." Return of the Jedi "What do you mean you forgot to get my Preparation H!You're grounded!!!" Palpatine: Well Luke, you see I'M actually your father. Vader never has been quite right since the lava thing..... Luke: NOOOO!!!! *ignites saber and commits suicide* hm...... what a cool thing!!! I would LOVE spinning on that chair!!! hm...... what a cool thing!!! I would LOVE spinning on that chair!!! Palpatin: oh... i really think i look bad today!!! hm... why were you looking at the stars??!! Palpatin: well... i wish i could be as handsome as you..he he Can I play with your spinning chair too??!!! please!!! Chewie is going bald so he joined "the hair club for aliens over 1200 Look dude, I didn't hear you call fives when you went to get another beer, so no, I am not getting up. Location, location, location. I'm not a suicidal Raisin! That's Prune to you Sonny! Give me your TPM ticket or else... Tell me where your rebel friends are or else... Don't make me get the Wookiee! Forget the Death Star, I have created the ultimate weapon! The Alliance will crumble befroe the combined powers of me, the Spice Girls and Barney!! Give me your milk money or else kid! Luke!....I am your...Grandfather! I will not turn to the Dark Side! But, by any chance do you have any Gray Popon!!! Look Luke, if you're not going to turn to the dark side I must go tell your mother! You see Luke, life needs to go on and in order for that to happen new life has to be created, and so when a man and a woman... "And the first little imperial built his Star Destroyer of Straw..." Bedtime stories with the Emperor "When I was your age we didn't have those fancy-dancy lightsabers, all we had was a stick soaked in rocket fuel and a match and if we weren't careful..."Poof!"...you'd go up in flames..." "How many times have I told you not to invite your rebel friends over to the Death Star! Everytime they come over they trash the place..." "And keep your hands off Leia! She's your sister for crying out loud!" "Luke, come sit on my lap and speak sweet nothings in my ear!" "Luke, come tell me what you want the emperor to bring you for Christmas!" "Luke, have I ever told you how much I love you?" "Luke, we've known each other for a long time now and........?" "Come over here dearest and tell Grandma all about it" "You know Luke, I've always looked on you as a son, but you know...I've always wanted a daughter..." Luke: "My what big teeth you have, and big ears you have!" Emperor: "The more to eat you with my dear!" "Luke, you're going to find that many of the lies we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view..." "Luke how long has it been since you've had a real kiss? I mean besides your sister..." "Luke, it just hasn't been working out, your father knows about our affair and I fear he may try to kill me..." Luke:"Ok,so what's up with ripping off that look from Darth Sidius!"Emperor:"What do you mean?!I was the first to make this look popular!" DUDE!!!!!C'mon How long you gonna be?!! I hafta use the toilet too! Luke"Dude, it looks like your eyebrows are going to pop!" Luke: I'll never join you! Palpatine: You better learn to respect your elders, whippersnapper! Luke, come give your Uncle Palpatine a hug. Now thats a hell of a chair! You see, the guy before me was the first Emperor, but his real name was Fitzgerald. You see, no one would bow down to the great Emperor Fitzgerald, so he...Um.. Why are you looking at that lightsaber? See, no sweat. I can't even do the thing that Vader does. I'm just a helpless old man. Now why don't you strike me down and join the friggin' Dark Side?!?!? As you can see, young Jedi, your acting career has failed. Now witness the full power of a veteran actor. "Edit at will, producer!" don't get up, I know the way out. "Explain to me again the part about him being your father." If i come to your side, can i have a vieuw like yours ? God He's ugly LUKE! You've gotten so big! Just like the old man. Why I remember tring to kill you when you were this high. "Okay, Luke, I give up. How about a truce. Let's shake on it!" "Okay!" Unwittingly, Luke walks into the most lethal joy-buzzer gag ever pulled. So, now. Young Skywalker, you want to turned over toward the dammit darkside of the force. So, now. Young Skywalker, you want to turned over toward the dammit darkside of the force. Emperor: Come little boy and tell the Emperor what you want for Christmas. Luke: I want tickets to Episode 1!! Emperor: Sorry kid not even you are going to get that. "All right draw, hooded head." Mr. Palpatine, I have to go to the bathroom. Is it true that my father felt me? asdfg So this is where they put that big screen TV "There you are! Lukie boy, how you've grown! Come sit on your Uncle Palpy's lap!" Luke: Uh... Were's the Bathroom? i told you this once, No, this is not a toilet. Palpatine: I give you my word, I won't kill your friends on Endor...but you've gotta play fetch with this lightsaber! Palpatine: What are you whining about? Your friends aren't going to die...they're main characters! Even that black dude gets to live cuz audiences like him more and didn't want him to die! That's a nice view ya got there. "You've succeeded your Highness..." "No Mark! For the last time, SAY THE LINE AS WRITTEN!!" "But I want to be bad. People will like me then." "NO! NO! NO! How many times do I have to tell you? NO!" No,no,no! I wanted a view of the Ocean!! Give your uncle Palpetine a hug. Luke, I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's roommate's friend So you want to be in the "Phantom Menace" do you, young jedi. I know I will. Palpatine: Come sit on my lap Lukie. Strom Thurman is here, he's suing you for using his face AND personality. Anyway, your friends are doomed, the Rebellion is doomed,and my electric bill gets huge when I start shooting lightning out of my hands,so why not make this easy on yourself and just say yes?? (Luke)...I'll never turn to the Dark Side..Never! (Palpatine) I know, but if I don't act overconfident and sure of myself who's gonna cheer when I'm thrown into the nuclear reactor pit? ..And so I says to the guy, wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im! I ahve one simple request... and that is for you to turn to the frikin' Dark Side! Now, evidently my mechanical coleague informs me that can't be done. Honestly people, throw me a frikin' bone, here! "... and I thought that Admaral Ackbar Looked Freaky Bad! Where have you been these 20 years? In the desert. I wont bite. shake my hand. Palpatine: I know you have it. Give it to me. Luke: No. I don't have you $#@^ing TV remote! Yes It's a great view but the monthly rent is costing me an arm and a leg HELLO MR PALLADIN ITS ME THE AVONLADY WHE GOT UR SKIN CREAM RIGHT You...want this, don't you? WELL GET YOUR OWN! TOYS 'R' US! 19.95! Luke: What's the matter? Palpatine want a cracker? Luke: Don't you think a staring conest is a little juvinille for Jedi? Emperor: Shut up and keep staring! The first April Fools Day gag, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away: "I give up. Let's call a truce. We'll :::snicker::: shake on it!" "Okay Palpatine! I knew there was some good in you too!" Palpatine: For the last time, I am not your father! Luke: Sorry Grandpa. I understand, Luke. I hate Star Trek as much as YOU, but you can't just strike them all down whenever you feel like it. I'm confiscating your lightsaber. "Yes barber Skywalker?" "I was wondering if I should give Anakin the little boy's haircut or should I just shave it all off?" I smell something.... you are more powerful than I imagined. You cannot hava da Mango Luke: ewww!! a really ugly man! huh? he wants me to turn to the Dark side? no way? i dont wanna look like that!!! Luke, you wrecked the Death Star!!??! You are so grounded!! Luke: But wanted to go to Toshi Station!! Palpatine:*slap* shut up you Aw jee, mister Palpatine, wer'e awful sorry we blowed up yer Death Star. What's this? I ask for toilet paper and you give me a lightsaber. You want this revolving chair, dont you, well u can have it for only $99.99! Is that robe comfortable? "Heh heh, I farted." "Heh heh, I farted." "Heh heh, I farted." "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." fags looking at the fag Luke: i will not help you... Emperor. OK handle me the toilet paper... Okey, here is the sword, but where are the batteries? Here is the deal: Igave you the sword and you stop bodering with this "father you?re still a good guy" issue. Your results came in and....you're pregnant. You might be a Jedi whatever but you can't fly this thing!!! YOU'RE WHAT? a D.J tonight?? can I go see ya? Sir, can I play rogue squadron now? not ? Sir, can I play rogue squadron now? Not noe duh!! can't you see i almost destroy the death star? No and its final!!! you can't take the executor!!!! Luke:"You know, you should get some sun, but it wouldn't help your wrinkles. Luke:"well, YODA, was 900 years old, but how do you explain your wrinkles, and those moving liver spots?" Atlast, we meet again Doctor Evil "Look, the club's got rules! I don't DO lap dances!!" I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong place. I thought this was the Johnny Cash costume party. Empro: AHHh Quit your Whining and come to the Darkside!..Luke: But, I don't want to look like a zombie, I want women to love me the way I look. Empro:Shake my hand....Luke: No! Empro:I don't have the buzzer this time..come on shake it. Luke: No,I don't want u to mess up my new electric hand; they don't come cheap. Ok.........Now......Spin and act like you mean it "So um... could I take the Shuttle tonight" Sit down and tell me what you want for christmas. If you join the dark side you'll get a company car. If you join in the next thirty minutes you'll get the free patatoe peeler. "What I'm saying, your highness, is that you are giong to have stand in line like everybody else." I would like a cheeseburguer with some fries and a huge coke. Oh, and can you please bring one of those great cookies? And also, bring me a glass of water. Thank you, that would be all for now. you son of a Bit@#@ you old bag Of course not! Darth vader will NEVER betray me...I have forseen it! BOY, I THOUGHT DARTH VADER WAS UGLY!!! Emperor: "What do you mean, 'It's not free after 30 minutes'?!?!" Under this robe I am wearing womens cloathing!. Luke(with an fiendish, smile): Well, well, well...Mr. Palpatine! You've been a very naughty boy! Emperor: Vader?!? You didn't mention anything about a stripper?!? "Let's see what Uncle Jimmy Saville can find in his Magic Chair." At least one of us will be in the prequel ! UMMMMMM embrace your fear and uncertainity, feel the power and price of the service pack. move away kid!! i'm watching the simpsons! EMPEROR: Could you help me? My cloak's stuck in my zipper again. and some dya if your lucky you'll be as sexy as me if you use the darkside long enough um, Emperor sir, I think I broke your massassi Statue No. "I" am your father Emperor :"Take your weapon! Strike me down with...Hey!! I know you would like to be there with your X-wing , but turn around when I speak to you." Emperor: "It's occupied" Luke: "Aww I REALLY have to go - come on - I'm busting!" Uhhh, can you get me a roll of paper? I just ran out... Honest Dad. I didn't mean to spill Grape Juice on the new carpet! Emp. Palp: "I can feel your hate." Luke: "No you can't! The Force is just a joke we're all playing on you!" Suddenly, the cloth falls down behind him, and the Emporer notices all the cameras. So let me get this straight, two Supremes and one Hawiian? Ok you know everything how come Harrison Ford became such a star and I can't even get on Leno? Your lack of vision is your weakness..... I will win 'cause I'm in the next 3 movies and you're not! "Hi, my name's Luke and I'll be your waiter today. Can I get you something to drink while you're looking at the menu?" "I did not have sexual relations...with that woman...Princess Leia." Phew, that sticks, did you have Taco Bell for lunch? Are you talking to me? There's no-one else so... you must be talking to me... I'm selling those fine leather jackets. Luke: "I will never become a dark jedi knight - I'm going to be a movie star" Emperor: "Neah, you're not..." Have you seen the trailer? George doesn't seem to want us in the next movie... I'm Bobbin. Are you my mother? Ummm, yeah, soo.... you're the one who's trying to control my life. I have bad news for you - you're not gonna be in the next captioning !!! You're fired! Are there any prizes? What??? My god - this contest sucks !!! I'm sorry. You didn't make it into the hall of fame. Better luck next time. "Your highness, is the bulge in my pants noticable" Someday Luke all of this will be yours. Luke: What, this window? Someday Luke, all of this will be yours. Luke: What, this window? Emperor: Someday Luke, all of this will be yours. Luke: What, this window? Emperor: Someday Luke, all of this will be yours. Luke: What, this window? See, I told you it was the most comfortable chair in the UNIVERSE! Frankenfurter! We meet at last! Yes, you can take the death star tonight, but be home by ten or ELSE! man, what a view!!! Frankenfurter! We meet at last! "Do I have anything in my teeth?" "No, do I?" Darn it!!! NO, That is not the Big Dipper u moron, that is Orion the Hunter, the Big Dipper here is U U stupid old man! What do you mean, you're pregnant?! And when you push this button, it activates the coffe maker, and this button..... Honestly, Do I look good in black? Where's the bathroom ????!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!! That was quite enjoyable, my young apprentice. Spin me around again! Dammit. I wish they would put doors on these toilet stalls. Luke:I've been a bad wittle boy Luke, my young apprentice... Do you ever get that...not-so-fresh feeling? Have you considered the benefits of double glazing? hello babe Luke:"Does that recliner come with massage?" Emperor:"Nah, but it is made of Bantha skin! Feels just like leather!!!" Now witness the power of my fully armed and operational right hand Was the washroom back on the left or right? I sure hope you didn't have one of those stormtroopers put it in. Everyone knows then only know about white suits and killin' people. Luke(mumbling) "He never lets me use the speeder" So Luke how was Return of the Jedi? Was it good, bad, i don't know how was it Luke? Luke" Excuse me your master but all your talking is making me pee in my pants" Empire" The bathroom is down the stairs across from the elevator to your left you can't miss it." Luke" Thank you master" Palpatines attempts at replacing Santa were futile as all the little kids were to afraid to sit on his lap. How many times have I told you, "no lightsabers in the house!" How many times have I told you, "no lightsabers in the house!" See my new BarrcoLounger 3000? Pretty cool, eh? Its' got drink dispenser, built in massager, and comes with one of those lightsaber remotes." Ewwww! Did you fart? Boy, that really is a throne! OK, GAME OVER ! Young Skywalker, are you zestfully clean? And over there is Cassiopeia, which is a delightful constellation, and there is . . . . Palpatin: Come to the dark side of the force!!!!!! Luke: No way old man.... I am afraid of darkness..... i even have to sllep with my Yoda teddy-bear!!! Emperor: "You see, this set on the new movie would be just you me and this chair and ILM adds the rest." Luke: "No kidding?" Luke, be a good boy and fetch me some toilet paper Palpatine: I can sense your anger...no jealousy. You are enraged that I'm in the prequels. Well, I have one thing to say to you...MWAHAHAHAHA! Come Luke, it is your destiny..... to sit on santas lap. HO HO HO ..... i even have to sllep with my Yoda teddy-bear!!! Luke: Hm.... that clothes look really antique....hey they are as old as you! "Do you mind? I'd like some privacy, but before you go, please hand me the toilet paper" Palpatine: "Say, waiter...yeah, you in black...can you bring me a cup of coffee, please!?!" Luke: "Hey, don't you pull that Jedi mindtrick on m...err...you wan't sugar and cream in that?" Palpatine: "Say, waiter...yeah, you in black...can you bring me a cup of coffee, please!?!" Luke: "Hey, don't you pull that Jedi mindtrick on m...err...you wan't sugar and cream in that?" Give in to your hatred and you'll get a cool swivel chair like this one! Palpatine: Join the Dark Side...look! You even get a window with a view! Palpatine: Join the Dark Side...look! You even get a window with a view! Palpatine: Join the Dark Side...look! You even get a window with a view! Sit in detention and think of what you did Shut up old man before I have to bitch slap you! Palpatine: Join the Dark Side...look! You even get a window with a view! New Coke. C'mon Luke, the Empire has a great 401k plan. So, your telling me that YOU get to be in the prequel and *I* don't? (Luke thinks a bit) Okay, now tell me about this "dark side" thing again... Yes sir! I recommend the Veal Vader with a side of Skywalker Scallops. And for dessert can I recommend the light saber souffl'e! Okay, how about a 4 year deal for 7.5 million and a 400,000 credit signing bonus? "... Witness the destruction of the Alliance and the end of your insignificant Rebellion!" "Oh yeah? And look like melted cheese!" So, you're thinking of going of going with my desciple's daughter? Uh, yes sir. You do know he's YOUR father? Uh...so? "I ordered Peperoni, is that so hard? are all the other pizza boys as dumb as you?" Luke just can?t seem to stop starring at The Emperors wrinkled face and ask himself if the The Emperor never heard of a facelift. Luke: Nice view you got here! Eat shit Emperor! How about a game of chess while were waiting for your rebel friends? Emperor: How about a game of chess while were waiting for your rebel friends? Emperor: Now try to understand, that you can?t have your pocket money before friday. Emperor: can?t you see that, I need a facelift! Emperor: You are welcome to leave the Death Star... there?s the door. Emperor: *think?s* I`m glad that I wrote my lines to my hand! Cpt. Picard: (off screen) This is Captain Picard from the starship U.S.S. Enterprise, hailing to the spacestation. The truth is out there Emperor: ...and never start smoking look what it did to me! Emperor:... so in all that fuzzying, I lost my eyeglasses. Emperor:... so in all that fuzzying, I lost my eyeglasses. If only look?s could kill! Emperor: Luke, I am your grandfather. Luke: Nooooo!!! It?s not true! Emperor:...And I drank fourteen beers. You can't believe the hangover I'm having Emperor: I was picking my nose and out came this. Emperor: Could I fancy you with some Borg implants? Emperor: Could you bring me some toilet paper? Emperor: If you think I'm going to give you the keys to the starship you can forget it. You don't even have drivers lisence. Emperor: I am the great Cornholio! Are you threatning me? Emperor: Oh, by the way. Have you seen my starship keys? Emperor: Get a haircut, hippie! Emperor: You know, were... lost in space. Emperor: Do you have any batteries for my lightsaber? Emperor: I can?t see a damn thing, with this cloak on my face. Emperor: You know I have my hand over Lucas? heart... so it?s pretty obvious who?s going to be in the prequels. Emperor: Hey look it?s snowing outside! I assure you Windows 95 will be quite operational when your friends arrive Emperor: HEY, I?ve grown attached to this chair! Emperor: I?m seeing you douple... I quess I shouldn?t have eaten that Ewok. Emperor: You know Elvis IS dead. Luke. Noooo!!! That?s not true! Emperor: I can?t belive that you kissed your sister! Your twin sister! Luke think?s: They should have gotten Sean Connery for his part... Luke thinks: My god, it?s colder here than on the Hoth planet... Emperor: ...and then, get this, the girl says: I?d rather kiss a Wookie! Emperor: You could say that I?m related to Michael Jackson... I USED TO BE BLACK! Luke: Are those Storm Troopers floating in space? Emperor: Do you belive in the excistence of extra terrestrial? Luke: Where have you been the last few centuries? Emperor: Here?s the Claw! No one can escape... THE CLAW!!! Emperor: You can suck my dust, this chair has 350 forcepower! Luke: I want my Star Wars dolls. And I want them now! Emperor: Why does it feel like this moment is lasting forever? Luke:... Emperor:"Come on Luke, give me the keys. You know you've had too many drinks to pilot that X-Wing home." (Luke) Can I have my Lightsaber back yet? (Emperor) Not until you turn to the Dark Side (Luke) I'll do it this afternoon! Now can I have it back! your not the pizza deliver man!! Luke: Hey cool, you get Lay-z-boys, count me in Spin the wheel of fortune. I won't fall to the dark side and become ugly like you. What do you mean by: go buy some lotion? Luke Skywalker confronts the ugly freak Emporor Palpotine "You're wrong... soon I'll be in the theater seeing Phantom Menace, and you won't be with me. Han and Leia are camping out for our tickets." ... (continued) (continued) ... "Oh, no, I think it is you who will find that he is mistaken... An entinre legion of my best troops waits at the theater. I am sure to get opening day tickets." ... (continued) (continued) ... "Your overconfidence is your weakness." "Your faith in your friends is yours!" Han's AstroPizza. 30 Light years or less. That will be 30 credits for your Corrilean Crust pizza. Hey, what do you think, If I refresh my face with a lifting, and going to the gym a couple of weeks like Ed Norton, Georgie think about me in the next Prequels... well, you know a little tiny role..! Hey, what do you think, If I refresh my face with a lifting, and going to the gym a couple of weeks like Ed Norton, Georgie think about me in the next Prequels... well, you know a little tiny role..! After the infamous "Death Star" incident, Luke was sent straight to the principal's office... Emperor: "You'll have to kill me to get this chair!" Luke:"Okay!" your ugly!!!!!!!! Please sir, please don't tell my Daddy about me and Leia...! Emperor: (in the voice of the godfather) Let me make you an offer you can't refuse I see you finally found a hemroid creme that works! Emperor: "And this button here makes the chair recline.... and this button turns on the massager.... and this button releses deadly electric bolts......" Did you order the rebel fleet? The true Dark Side: " No, really! This isn't an ordinary pyramid scheme." I see you are using the new electric Komode Luke asks - "Does my butt look big in this?" No, you can't have the remote. Why are you looking at Mr. Toopy the CXhristmas lightsaber? Luke...I'm afraid I'm going to have to confront you on this sister thing...... Luke laughs uncontrolably... "What is it?" asks the Emporer. "I farted," replied Luke. "You know," said the Emporer. "Now I'll have to electrocute you for the remainder of the movie." Luke:yes, i saw carrie naked during that jabba's palace scene Emperor:excellent....everything is proceeding as I have forseen. Your breath is so bad that I can't come any closer Enjoying the new bidet, Emperor? So what do you think of my new piture window? I got it from the Sears cataloge, it goes so well with my decor. Look, Mark you will not act in a good movie efter this one ,so just take your father place at my side "You know, it's amazing how different Tami Faye Baker looks without her make-up." No, No, No, I said I wanted a Burrito Supreme! Didja see that? Some $*@! just tossed a brick thru your expensive bay window! he told you what? no, he's not your father, he says that to everyone to try to freak them out. and you fell for it? what a dweeb! Star Trek Sux!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!! Luke: "Dude, are you done? I gotta use the Port-a-Potty." Emperor: "I AM TRYING!!!!!!!" Emperor: "Welcome to the Death star buffet. How can I help you?" Luke: "My god........" Emperor: "This toilet RULES!!!!!!" Luke: "Yeah, whatever. Now hurry up! My insides are about to explode!!!!!" Palp: "Oh, I'm sure the tickets will be all sold out by the time your friends arrive." I MEAN it, old man--QUIT I MEAN it, old man--QUIT goosin' me with The Force!!!! Palpatine: "Hey, punk! You'll never make it at the academy with THAT attitude!" "Yes, young Skywalker, I have acquired your lightsaber. . .now you guess where I've hidden mine!!" "Yes, yes!! Now do something from Guys and Dolls!!" Luke: Are you done yet? Palpatine: Just a second. Luke:"I don't know. It is going to cost a lot to wash those windows." Ya know? With that thing over your head at all times, you might be able to pass as an evil emperor.. oh wait, you already are? get off the throne, master. Luke, be a good lad and fetch me some toilet paper. Look, Kid, I'll let you go if you'll pass me that little black bottle over there. . . see, I need my rose hand lotion, and I don't feel like I've got enough Force to get it myself. "Luke, look at my Lobster claw. Cool, huh?" "I used to have one, but it fell off because of infection." "Pitty." Luke: "Because it is on a school night does not matter. Half the class will be skipping to go to see the prequel anyway." Luke: Can I sit in your chair? Come sit on my lap and tell me what you want for christmas Luke Luke sees the deluxe loo with a view who farted? Ok.. ok.. Let me get this right. If I join the Dark Side I get a big office with a view just like this? Luke didn't know what to think when the Emperor admitted that he liked watching men shower. Come here my young apprentice... now pull my finger! "I have what you've always wanted, Luke. POWER CONVERTERS." I'm not THAT kind of intern! Now come over here and give your Granny a big ol' kiss... "You gonna eat that?" Luke: What's that thing? Emperor: That's the machine, that goes *ping*. up yours emperor... The Emperor trys out his new court jester who can only act bad and do the voice of the Joker. "Give your self to the dark side, do the Joker voice." Rocky, you've been a bad creation... NOOO!!! It's not true! I especialy asked for a room with a window to the sea, this is not the sea this is space. hah! mampoih! Come grasshopper, when you can snatch the lightsaber and strike me down you are ready to become a dark jedi. L: "Your overconfidence is your weakness!" E:"Your faith in your friends is yours!" L: "Is not!" E: "Is too!" L: "Is NOT" E: "Is too" L: "Is not-NOT-NOT!" E: "Is too times ten!" L: "That does it!" Come sit on my lap, little boy So you see, the egg is fertilized, and that's where babies come from. Huh huh... LIke, thIs sIte sucKz. "Come Skywalker shake my hand it will be a shocking experience I promise!!!!!" So, young Skywalker, we meet at last. The circle is now complete. What a cool flashlight, Can I shine it in your eye? Luke: I didn't mean to blow up your little space station really. It was in the script. Talk to Lucas about it, geez. How was I supposed to know it was real. Man that looks like a comfy chair Can I have my lightsabre back? Haven't you heard of "thou shalt not steal?" "Ah...My new Altar Boy" Well , First I don't wan't to sit on your lap, secondly look at the natural position of your hand, and last but certainly not least I happen to be in love with my sister. "Now THAT's a Lazyboy!" "Don't be afraid. Come closer. Now sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas." "So how long until we take the curlers out again?" Palpatine: You're friends are walking into a trap. Luke: I'm not worried, we have care bears for friends. Palpatine: DOH! Recall the troops! " and oddly enough it controls my tv too." May I be excused to save the world? Emperor Palpatine took Ally McBeal's unisex bathrooms a step further by removing the walls as well. Emperer: You have what I want! A suspected Rebel undergoes an interrogation by Imperial Tax Auditor (and Dark Side Master) Palpatine. "Yes, my apprentice, file the 1040 long form, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!" Luke... how do you like my new wheelchair?... See Luke...there are certain benefits that come with joining the Dark Side...see, you get this nifty swivel chair and a kick ass view for all the intergalactic battles.... I quite like what you've done with the place. No Luke... You really MUST try out my new La-Z-Boy. It's incredible to believe, but this window was made entirely out of Wookiee fur... Are those Fruit of the Loom you're wearing? "Skywalker, you will give me your lunch money just as your father did before you. Breathmint? Go on, pull my finger, I dare you....... Palpatine:" Come give grampa a kiss" Luke:"DADDY!!!" Luke:I could only get tickets to the first showing on the twenty-second. Emperor: You will die for this!!!!!!! so YOU'RE the one who's been insulting my acting, huh? well i'll tell YOU something, pal... Come... sit on my lap and tell me what you want for christmas Joining the Dark Side ain't like Dusting crops boy! Skywalker! Your fly is unzipped! Emperor: "You'd like your lightsaber back, wouldn't you. It's right here, take it. I'm not going to stop you. Come on, take, it. You can't, can you?" Luke: "I think you've been out in the sun to much. Look at that face. That'll teach you to put on sunscreen!" Luke: "I bet I can stare off vacantly into space longer than you can sit there smirking like that." One last time, scissors beats paper, paper beats rock.... hey, Why can't we see this window from outside? Luke: Ooh, it swivels! Hi! I'm Luke Skywalker, and I'm a Force-aholic. I was thinking that maybe you could help. "what the...oh, thats your wookie isnt ? "Drop and give me 20, nancy boy!" "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Emperor: So, young Skywalker, can you see my new clothes? Luke: (sees Emperor sitting in underwear) Uh, yes. You know, that outfit really brings out your eyes. (tries his best to conceal lie) What did you say about my wrinkles, you disrespectful little whippersnapper?!? Take your light ah flashy thing ... lightsaber that's it, and strike me down "I'm sorry Mr. Skywalker, but we're gonna have to let you go" come, tell the emperor what you want for xmas Young Skywalker, How many times must I ask you to clean these windows? I can still see specs of dirt in all of them! Thank you for bringing me the daily paper young Skywalker... I have no money for a tip, but I can offer you a free swing at Vader. um. . excuse me sir . . why is there a hand coming out of your crotch? Okay, I'll whip mine out first! Palp: So anyway Luke, that's everything that happens in TPM. Luke: Noooooooo! Spoilerrrrs! Palp: Good. Feel the anger flow through you.... Dad... can I borrow your Destroyer tonight... Palpatine : "Geography : The capital of Tatooine ?" Luke : "Er... I knew it... Er... Hum... Er..." Palpatine :"Please, Luke, bring grandpa some toilet paper..." Sure I'll let you go, come on shake on it. Palpatine: Join the Dark Side and I promise you...look! A window with a view! Hello Granny!Hello Luke!Ohh why do you have so yellow eyes?So i can see better!ANd why do you have so many wrinkles?Do I?Oh no!where's my oil of Ulay? Hello Granny!Hello Luke!Ohh why do you have so yellow eyes?So i can see better!ANd why do you have so many wrinkles?Do I?Oh no!where's my oil of Ulay? Wait until you see Episode 1 Luke I look so much younger. you gonna finish eating that? Emperor: "So you see, even you can own, yes you, can own this entire galaxy if you succumb to the dark side. This is a limited time offer and will expire when needed." Luke: "Really?" You thought my thrown room would be more ornate? Well, it is. This is actually my lavatory! What do you think this button on the armrest is for? so where is the money for the ransom of your friends???? And for only $250 a month you get this wonderful view!! Dad, this talk is nice and all, but I really need to pee. no, sir, i'm not the donut delivery man. stars wars OK OK! How 'bout we cut a deal here . . . . . . so I decide to try out this new tanning oil . . . Luke: You must have spent a fortune on that anatomically correct seat, but by the looks of it, real clothes are too expensive. Maybe we ought to discuss the Dark Side's generous pension plan . . . Emp: If you join the Dark Side I'll grant you a wish! Luke: Well, my life sucks-I wish I was never born! E:How bout this:I rewind time and the next time we see scenes like this it's before you're born WOWSER!!! IS THAT A LAZY BOY?! IF YOU GIVE IT TO ME, I'LL TURN TO THE DARK SIDE "And now Cardinal Fang...we shall use the Comfy Chair!" My god Father, how long has it been dead? Behold! The horrors of the vaccum of space! Um..Emperor,sir, Your flying low. Sure, Sure..I'll do your widows, but the handcuffs will have to go...Ahh, thanks that's much better. Luke: You wouldn't dare! Yeah, I got your Jedi weapon right here...ten inches Take-Your-Child-To-Work Day gone awry.... Luke: "Since when has the Millennium Falcon's cockpit been this big?" Palpatine: "Since I made it so, JEDI" I even brought your baby photos! Does this caption ever change? Does this caption ever change? emp: "Your today work is moving this wheel.". worker "Yes. Sir" Have you seen Mr. Bigglesworth? You?re dead Ohh, I lke it! Now, which button will give the full body massage? Luke: " AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!You are ugly man. get a mask or something" Luke: "damn, you really are ugly!" MARK, YOU WONT BE NEEDED FOR THE PREQUELS. MARK: WHAT COME ON I HAVE NOTHING GOING FOR ME. YOU THINK I ENJOY MAKING WING COMMANDER GAMES. HELL THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME IN THAT PEICE OF CRAP MOVIE. What do you care if I go out with her? You're just my dad's boss! Can you say Oedipus complex? Uh... Can I use your batheroom? You still got that cool spinnin chair? Palpatine, I am your father. "Really, it's not that I'm against gays. I just have a Jedi moralism against it. I'd like to join you, but I'm just not that way." Palpatine, I am your father. I'm sorry, young man; but I just put a quarter in this thing and you'll have to wait your turn. What do you think, Luke: Venetian blinds or curtains for this breakfast nook? I'll give a whole quarter if you come over here and rub Granny's feet, dear. Could you move over, Luke? You're blocking the TV and Jerry Springer's on. "'Captain's log. Stardate 89034.1...' Sorry, Luke. I just couldn't resist." That's right, Luke. Vader's your father, Leia's your sister, Wedge is your uncle, Lando's your cousin, Chewie's your long-lost dog Scruffy... My god, you're a giant! No, of course I didn't think anything about that shuttle landing in the forrest instead of the landing pad...why? Pal: "Come here, young skywalker, and sit on my lap like a good boy; we'll talk about the first thing that comes up!" Luke: "Oh man, not again." God, you are ugly... "No, that's impossible." "Yes, I have foreseen it. I will have a big and important part in the prequel, and your son will be an extra..." My eyeshadow's smeared? Oh no... Palpatine- "You want this...don't you?" Luke-"We are talking about the lighsabre, right??" ...and on a clear day you can see Tatooine from here. I thought Santa had a red suit? And isn't that heavy breather a little tall for an elf?? Luke(in a feminine voice): I think some curtains would be fabulous here, maybe in a puse or mauve? "I need to talk to you about my final grade" Luke, thinking: "God, the longer he jabbers and the more I stare, that chin looks like Leno's!" Do you want to try my chair? It swivels!! Don't you have any manners, boy? Use the fork, Luke! Palpatine: Come sit your emperors's lap and tell me what planet you want for Christmas. I'm sorry I left my bike behind your car, Father "Weeee! I can spin! Around and around! WEEEEEEE!" um..you're drooling all over your bow tie... "My, young Skywalker! How much you've grown! Come over here and sit in Uncle Palpy's lap!" Awkward pause. Silence. )))))))))))))) Emperor: (under his breath) Line? Luke: Great, Vader is my father, and you're my grandfater? I bet next you're gonna tell me my mother's an Ewok. The Altimate Jedi Your Mother Palpatin: It's true, Luke. Earth 2 was shot on location on Tatooine. You can clarely see the canyon where you encountered the Banthas in one of the sceenes. Hoia, haio! I?m Badman! I told you, "THROW IT OUT, BUT PUT IT ON THE TOP SHELF" You show me yours, I'll show you mine. Would you be a dear and rub my feet until the feeling comes back? Luke and the Emperor are forced to work out their differences in the giant gerbil wheel. Emperor "Luke... come sit on my lap. I'm your Grandfather." ::evil smile:: Luke: "Oh, NO!!! That can't be true! Great! And here I thought my family couldn't get any more screwed up..." Emperor "Luke... come sit on my lap. I'm your Grandfather." ::evil laugh:: Luke: "Oh, NO!!! That can't be true! Great! And here I thought my family couldn't get any more screwed up..." Whooo, that was an awesome shot! Are you sure you don't want to look Luke? How many people do you think were killed in that Darth? Oh, anyway, do you want to join us or not? "you mean to tell me you aren't Captain Kangaroo" -Luke troops Politicians noble? Ha ha...you really are living in a galaxy far, far away! Luke didn't care if anyone noticed, he was simply not going to stop staring until he figured out what the "Black Blotch" was covering on the Emperor's face... OK! If I give into my hatered ,THEN can I kill you ??? Palpatine:"Don't be mad that im in the prequel and you are not." "Luke . . . when you come over to the Dark Side, you get a nifty chair like mine!" Now sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas "Your father and I are very dissapointed with your report card. Your teacher said if you don't study harder in your levitation class, you'll have to repeat the grade.""But he expects the impossible!" que onda karnal!! aqui tengo de la guena pa que la juerza te haga el paro esee!! Emperor: Say there, how come you are not as tall as your father? I can feel the curiosity swelling in you now...Grab my robe! Look under it. look at all those pretty stars your not still mad at me for blowing up your death star, are you? "Only now, young Skywalker, at the end, do you realize that fried bantha tastes better than boiled mynock." Emperor: What do you mean that my battlestation will shut down? EMPEROR: What do you mean that my battlestation will shut down!?! It is the most powerful station in the universe!! LUKE: Well, sir, you owe us $1,325,492,210.95, and that's just for YESTERDAY!! Palpatine: Join me young Skywalker...and...and...damn, LINE! Emperor to Luke:"Luke if you don't make all A's next time I'm going to ground you" "But I'm supposed to go to Toshi Station and pick up some power converters!" Luke's floating head investigates new opportunities in wheelchair technology. Palpatine: "Come and tell Santa Palpatine what you want for Christmas." Luke: "Never! I don't believe in Santa...like my father before me." "Yes, young Skywalker, once you join us on the Dark Side, you too will have a corner office like this one. "You dissapoint me....you're grounded!!" C'mon Luke, you actually expect to win a staring contest with a Sith Lord? "You wanted to see me, Sir?" "Yes, sit down, son. Now tell me. Was it you who glued Mr. Vader's butt to his chair?" I'll never give in to the darkside... Besides, this caption has been up for too long. So you see, in this movie I'm the misunderstood baddie who all he wants is to make the universe a better place!! "You failed your... you failed your.... LINE!" Emporor: Luke join the dark side! Your master Yoda was right, after 900 years YOU do look like this ! Is it me? Or is it dark in here? Sorry,kid...I was called by Lucas for the next movie, and you were not. I can see your future, young Skywalker...Ever heard about "The Flash"? Luke: Why do you always get the best seat? I don't want to sit on your lap, you have that funky old person smell. Now, my child, kneel down and say that you love me! Emperor: So you see, if you press this button, the screen changes to a 'starfield' scene. And, for only a few dollars more, you can get the full package. Luke: Cool! I'll take it. LUKE:"What is that smell!"Oh my GOD!!Is that toilet your sitting on!!Sick!!" Luke:"No way I'm gonna sit on your lap, pervert!" (Palpatine) As you can see, Luke... This anatomic chair is the ultimate solution in backaches and other problems provided by by old age... (Luke) SOLD!!! (Luke) Nice view you got here, pops. (Palpatine) Gee!... Thanks!... That's just the nicest thing anyone said to me in my whole life! I see you have the Ring and Your "FORCE" is just as bis as mine so i gotta clean ALL the windows!?!! You look rather sexy in those black tights, Luke! Oh yeah i wanna kill you but ill have Vader do it for Free Come and give Grandpa palpatite a kiss Come, little fellow.Sit on Uncle Palpys lap and tell me what weapons of mass destruction you want this christmas Yeah, I'd like two suoer-sized galaxy burgers and an electric shock for desert "It's too late for you Luke... you may have been more popular than I in parts 4-6 but now, you're action figure fodder ha ha ha" You know, you could really use a face lift. Also, try to eat more, your WAY to pail for a man Your age. Are you about done? I can't hold it much longer! D@#$ Imperial Laveratories and their "Just One Throne" policy! When he sees that his attempt to turn Luke to the Dark Side is not going so well, the Emperor decides to try the ol' joybuzzer trick to lighten things up... Look at this, huh? Velvet. Pure velvet! Join the dark side & it's all velvet, baby! Palpatine: Let's get ready to.........SUCK IT!!! uh,excuse me?,could you help me find the little jedi room? Luke Skywalker (whining): Come on! I hafta go! Get off the CAN! C'mon, watch if you pull my finger the superlaser will fire. It's cool! No, no, no....despite what he told you, I am your father. Hello. My name is Luke Skywalker. You turned my father to the Dark Side. Prepare to die. Emperor: Come, my young apprentice. Sit on Uncle Palpatine's lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up" Emperor: Come, my young apprentice. Sit on Uncle Palpatine's lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up" Luke: Oh! Is that the hand I lost at Cloud City? Emperor: Your insight sereves you well. Luke: It looks yummy, whats it taste like? Emperor: Chicken! Luke: Oh! Is that the hand I lost at Cloud City? Emperor: Your insight sereves you well. Luke: It looks yummy, whats it taste like? Emperor: Chicken! You like it? I picked this baby up at an R.C. Willey La-Z-Boy sale for about 200 credits. Emporer, you are an ugly toad! son, its time you learn about the birds and the bees quick be for ol' black head gets back, do you ever get that "not so fresh felling"? "I'll never be your dentist! Never!" Luke . . . I am your godfather. come on, luke. you're telling me that you've never had the tiniest feeling for the dark side? not even a little? All right...one last story...but then you've got to go to bed...a long time ago, there was this Senator...and he was so handsome and so stunning and everyone loved him! So they voted him for Emperor. Luke: The Dark Side you say? Never heard of it... is it on the moon? get me my warm milk sonny or die No I don't care what you say I'm not going to eat it!....well may be a little. Luke: Hey, that's one cool throne. Palpatine: Yeah, did you know it can spin it around? (begins to spin faster and faster while Luke escapes.) "Come...sit on the Emperor's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas." Ummm... Mr. Emporer, Sir. Well, seeing as how I've led all my former Comrades in arms right in to your trap, well... could I have that raise now? "How do you get that chair to turn around all by itself?" ...and the ones who survive to be captured, I'm gonna make them drive up and down the I-15 reconstruction zone in Salt Lake City till they go berserk! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Do you really expect me to shake hands with YOU??? Think of all the great benefits you'll get when you join the Dark Side, young Skywalker! why can't you be my father? Let's hear the laugh. You know what I'm talking about, Skywalker, the Joker laugh! C'mon! So how much for this Lay-Z-Boy 2000? Luke: "Ohh, sorry i tought you were Doctor Evil.." Luke: "Ohh, sorry i tought you were Doctor Evil... anyway, shagged it baby, yeahhh" Sit on my knee, Luke. Now tell me, have you ever seen a grown man naked? Wanna dance? Emperor: "Bend over and reach for the sky!" Look, I CAN'T reach it from here, can you hand me the lightsabre please? "And if you push this button it does your lower lumbar, this one just vibrates the whole chair, and this one, you'll really like it, it reaches up and...oooooooww.." "Do you like my neato spinning chair?" "So be it Jed--damn it...will you hand me that depends bag?" There has to be a latch to this window here somewhere! C'mon, Luke...sit on Uncle Pap's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas! Now, Luke, give me back the keys to the Imperial Star destroyer. You're grounded young man! Hand me the toilet paper, Young Jedi. I'm...*uh*...almost done. Emperor: "Check out these bucket seats! How much would you pay for a Death Star like this? $59.95? $49.95? Act now and get it all for $29.95!!! (plus S+H)" Yes.......I can feel the HUNGER flow through you........there is Mcdonalds on the table behind you Yes, clean the windows on the outside too, I don't want to miss the upcoming rebel annihi.... err Fleet review, I mean fleet review Yes, clean the windows on the outside too, I don't want to miss the upcoming rebel annihi.... err Fleet review, I mean fleet review Oh, one more thing: before you use that saber, I suggest you wash it, you know. It's awefully lonely up here, and you know... Ah, black suit: we have the same taste in colors..! Take that damn saber, boy! If I didn't want you to have it, I wouldn't dragged it up here, now would I? Come with me, and you can get out of that tight, black, leotard thing and hop into one of these loose, unstylish things. Emperor: "No, I'm sorry. The line for Episode I tickets starts over there." Luke: Have you ever heard of Oil of Olay? Luke: Before we begin, can I close the windows? I heard about a chance of lightning storms in the area... Throw in the funky chair and I think we have a deal... Luke you leave me no option....I'm going to have to banish you to the Satellite of Love. idiot You have made one of the classic blunders, Luke! The most well know of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia! But only slightly lesser know is... Palpatine: So you see my young Apprentice, in sixteen years time it is I who will be starring in a new Star Wars film...it is pointless to resist! Take it ALL off, young Jedi! EMPEROR: "Luke,'I' am really your father. Come give your father a hug." LUKE:"Get away from me! You lazy-eyed psycho!" (Godfather like voice) This is an offer you can't r'fuse. Melvin,the Winnner! Come... Wanna see why PeeWee Herman is so famous? Oops! We both wore black, what a faux pas. I feel like such a moron now. Young one, I'll teack you to use the Force to "ignite" your own "pocket lightsabre" "Now sit on my lap, and I'll tell you your bed time story!" So...you wish to take my granddaughter out tonight? "-You 've had really bad notes, this month, isn't it ? -I know, but I'll try to do better the next month." "Sorry... didn't know this bathroom was occupied" "C'mon, sit on my lap... How many times do I have to tell you? I'm Santa Claus!" "Heh heh... Need to go potty? Too bad there's only one toilet on this whole Death Star, and I'M sitting on it!" "So then I told him, 'Listen, Asthma-breath...' Oops, Vader is back. Get into the act." Emperor: "Alright... So remember: you give me some hell, then Vader throws me down the pit over there, down to the safety of a net... And when he dies, you come back to me and take his place!" Emperor: "Dammit! Why is it all Jedi dress at the same tailor? I'm trying to make a fashion statement here!" Objection your honour, my client ,Han Solo, shot that Rodain purely out of self defence are you ever gonna update these? this one has been on for over 2 weeks. uhhh, Gee Wally, I didn't mean to blow up your other Death Star. I don't care if it is stuffy in here, you can't open the window! So if I joined you to rule the galaxy, and this is purely hypothetical right, would I get to shag my sister? After the last emperer died we took out the screens and had the glass put in. I know the number of a good plastic surgeon... oooooooooooooooooooooo nice window....who's your maid? "But I don't WANNA sit on your lap." "Hey! You're not Santa Claus!" "Come boy see for yourself the directions are right here it says: You roll the dice twice per turn not once." You do forsee getting the smack down by my dad, dont you, mr. know it all? Spank me like the bitch that you are!!! No, you are mistaken! Phantom Menace will crush your pitiful Titanic! Luke: "OK, I finaly finished my room, can I go to the movies now?" "Not only does the chair vibrate, it also heated" You're in MY chair your highness... ...you bested my giant which means you are exceptionally strong so you may have put the poison in you own cup hoping your strength would save you; so I can clearly not choose the cup in front of you.. "Take it off. ALL of it" Hey, Grandpappy, go get a tan. And also, babes really dig guys with such an attractive face of yours . . . and oh . . . those beautiful eyes . . . "You know where I'd like to put this lightsabre?" "You know where I'd like to put this lightsabre?" Emperor: Now Luke, I understand your father hasn't been around as much as you would like. But I think it's important that we have a talk about the birds and the bees. No more kissing Leah. rules "No,I will not give in to the dark side!" "Or clip your nails." "No,I will never give in to the dark side!" "Or clip your nails." Y'know, you've got your father's eyes. So you want to sit on my lap? You want fries with that? "Come give good ol' Grandpa Palpatine a kiss now Luke and join the dark side before bedtime like a good boy." "Come give good ol' Grandpa Palpatine a kiss now Luke and join the dark side before bedtime like a good boy." "no i will not sit on your lap, you scary old man!" "Are you asking me out, Mr. Emperor?" Luke: I'm here. Now what? Empiror: Would you like to take off those hot and sweaty things and sit next to me. I mean...you know. Hey, what have you done with Dr. Evil? It's hard to look this sincere when you are dieing to do a poo Its ok, Mark, I don't have a career either. So, what do you want for christmas, little boy? "What do you want now. I was about to go buy Phantom Menace tickets. Don't touch my lightsaber or I will whip out another one Give me the Five bucks you owe me and I will give you back your lightsaber "Young fool, only now do you begin to realize that my Depends Diapers are leaky!!!!" "But father... all I want to do... is SING!" Hhmmmmm? Did you know I have been sitting here wih the emperor while all this time the rebel fleet is getting blown to bits and not doing any thing at all! Very interesting. No, no, no, dammit. The big dipper is over there! You know you want your little saber. There are two Episode I tickets inside! "But, you see, Luke m' boy, you get a *red* lightsaber, some really cool black armor. Only thing you have to give up is your voice. But we'll find somebody with a really spiffy deep voice for you..." "You missed a spot on my window young Skywalker." "You missed a spot on my window young Skywalker." Come here little boy. What would you like for christmas??? Pull up your fly, Jedi! No i will not sit on your lap As the Emperor sat and carefully explained all of his schemes and evil plots, Luke couldn't stop staring at a little glob of spittle that was on the Emperor's chin. And after you have done the windows you will learn to call me Master Go make him an offer he can't refuse! ''Come to the Darkside or die'' ''Do I have any other options'' Even Jedi get audited every now and then I'm serious! It's true! I own a Mustang! poop Boo Godfather, I have come to beg of you a favor....wait, wrong blockbuster. I See you have your fathers style of clothing , i guess black is just your colout Hey im not touching you , your static ! Luke, if you sit on my lap I'll give you your light saber back. (Luke thinks: what does he need those plastic gloves) Luke, I know we've had our problems but can't you get me PLEEEASE get me into an early "Phantom Menace" screening? I command you to help me put together my new Lego sets. Are you the Avon Lady?. I really need some moisturiser for my skin condition. Luke: "I am so tired of waiting for an update on Captioning, that I could kill someone" Emperor: "good, feel the anger inside you..." Hey i can see my house from here Have you seen the remote control? Does this robe make me look fat? STARING CONTEST OF THE FUTURE!!! Emperor: And what does little Lukey want for Christmas? Luke: I want my lightsaber back, darnit! "See, didn't I tell you. Isn't it a great veiw?" Say, I can see my house from hehe! "What do you think? My young Apprentice." look, i can see my house from here! Luke: "Ok, I know my dad likes you and all, but don't expect me to like you too." Emperor: "But luke, can't you learn to love me?" "Uhh... I brought your toliet paper your highness." "My name is enigo montoya you kill my father prepare to die!" "No... I'm sorry I dont have any spare change." "hey, your sister looked pretty hot in that slave outfit" "Shut up dude!" "No no no MY name is slim shady!" "So tell me.. Do you feel lucky punk!" "Luke man, calm down I'm hurrying. I'm hurrying." "No, you can't have the keys to the shuttle tonight -- you know you're grounded!" Flick, this aphid has wet on me again! Damn your ugly!!, This is close enough! I'm not getting any closer, what is that Leprasy! You mean to tell me those little dots out there are space ships? Gimme a break. Come on the views great over here. On a clear day you can see light years away! Please, can I just have the keys to the executor for one night? come...sit on my lap and tell papa emperor what you want for christmas Hey little boy, come sit on Santa's lap. Emp"I said NO anchovies" Luke"look, this galactic pizza delivery is stupid, whne vader said rule the universe, i didn't think that he meant the restaurant business" "Oh yeah?!! Well I can use the power of the Froce to turn that chair into a Dark Pac Man and gobble you down. Now whose the high-and-mighty Emperor!?" Come sit on Santa's Lap and tell me your wish! See, here is the gas... and these are the breaks... and this little button drops our human waste all over any planet we happen to be flying over, hee, hee, hee.... I'm affraid we don't require your services jedi , come back when you can clog luke stands before the intemadating galactic toilet Toilet hog!! Get off and let me us it!! Okay kids this is the Gravatron, please put your back to the wall and don't look at the floor. Luke, come and sit on my lap. Luke: I'm not tellin ya what I want for Christmas, and You ain't playin with my light saber...cuz I'm gunna go and tell someone I trust! "Space, the final frontier..." Emperor: Sure you can TRY to play connect the dots, but I promise the picture doesn't make any sense, see for yourself...... Emperor: Look young Skywalker, first of all, don't you think you're a little old to sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas? and second, I'm not Santa Claus!! TAKE HIM AWAY! Welcome to my undergroud laairr. . . I think I need a force-spanking, Sir.
by Phoenix1138
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by Someone who's run out of cool names
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Luke: "You're Yoda? No, that's not true; THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
Emperor: "Yes. Search you your feelings; complete your training we must."
Luke: "NOOOOOOOOO!"
by md2b
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by Big Lightsabre
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by empress toast of kanadia
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Emporer: Face me... your MOTHER!!
Luke: Why are you in the prequels? You suck.
by Proto
by ObiWannaCracker
by LSD
by Dokken70
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